What I have been doing, What I am going to do

I know I havent been here lately much.

Ive been busy.

But Ive been having fun.

And in the past, these fun times and stories that I have tot tell would be written here.
But now...now they are stories to be told in person, to be written in letters and books, to be passed on word of mouth.

I guess Im taking the same route that Anne Jackson is taking.
Be quiet.

Contemplating a lot on my own life and seeing how its changing, where its going exactly.

Because honestly, it feels like its changing route every week now.

Part of me wishes I knew where I'll be in the few months of my life, where I'm headed...

..but I also like the flexibility and unexpectedness of it.
I am completely trusting God lately.
Doing what I know in my heart is right.
Doing my best to follow what I should be doing.


BUT.
I will tell you what Im doing this weekend.
Switchfoot is playing at the Del Mar Fair tomorrow and then they have their Bro-Am on Saturday.
I work the merch tomorrow.

Y'all should follow twitter.com/SwitchfootBroAm for the weekends events.
(cause there is also and Auction on Friday and afterparty later on Saturday)

Course. There is always on my own twitter account too. :D

Best...(My own) Words.

Since I read those blogs I posted yesterday I cant get the thought about words out of head.

How big and huge and important they are. How they impact us daily. Every hour second of every minute of hour of day of week of...

Words are huge.

Like in the Anne Jackson blog-it close to home for me because I got teased in Elemantary school.
Somedays Im still not sure why.
I mean I was this little nerdy girl with glasses who hung out with either guys or nobdy 90% of the time. And then I have this kind of infamous last name. It didnt help that while I was in Elemantary school this ketchup brand that my last name is close to came out with new brands of Ketchup providing much more nicknames for me.

Point is, I know how words can hurt. Heck. I taught about in Kids church just this much. How the "Sticks and stones can break my bones but words can never hurt me" phrase isnt always true.

And that stuff when I was a kid. It doesnt hurt me now. I can for the most part brush it off.
But when you're 9, 10..and hitting puberty before anybody else?
Yea. I can safely say it impacted me.

But I know the good of words too.

I know, many times over, how it feels or what happens when you listen to a song and your heart responds to every line.
I know what happens when you go to church and pray and break down because the pastor or someone praying said a word or phrase that you needed to hear, that God wanted you to be there to hear it that day.

Words are big-receiving and giving. Having a little brother, Ive learned when I go far.
Having friends who are girls-Ive learned it.
In middle school, I started to loathe drama and realized painfully in High School how it was created by spoken rumors just spun out of control-and of course spoken by word of mouth over and over and over.

But its not like we can close our ears to not words, not close our mouths to not say them. It is an essential human thing.

Jon foreman wrote how when you say word and an image comes to mind, it is a placeholder.

If I said brownie-is it not an image of your favorite kind in your head? Not the word itself?

Maybe Im finding the writer in myself but Jon's paragraph struck me so deep and true.

I don't write songs when I'm happy. When I'm content, I take my wife out to dinner, I go surfing. I hang out with my friends and play ridiculous cover tunes when I'm happy. But when I'm depressed, I turn to look for something beyond this life. When I'm lonely and nothing makes sense and the world has lost it's flavor I search for notes and words that usher in a transcendence that soars high above the tragedy. I look for to song to understand the present tragedy in the context of a hope for a better world. I look for words that remind me of a bigger story, for songs that acknowledge the tragedy and move beyond it. I look to artists who give me windows, words that provide for a new life to be birthed within me.

Is it escape? Is it a coping mechanism? Maybe a bit, but I feel that it is much more than that. The song becomes a hopeful defiance. A declaration that the injustices and absurdities of our postmodern existence are not the final downbeat. Music becomes a confession of disbelief in the world that surrounds me. A refusal to believe that these tragedies and horrors are the ultimate end. A refusal to accept the oppression of the Dalit's as anything other than tragic. A nonacceptance that the starving six year old is anything other than tragic. The song is written in defense of a world beyond this one, in defense of Truths that seldom make it to the front page of the newspaper. Words create worlds.

I bolded out what hit me most.

Words are so big. We need to eb careful how we use them. The world needs it. We need it. You AND me.

Best...Words.

Maybe the universe is trying to send me a message.

But I read two blogs back to back the other night, both on the power of words. So Im sharing them.

The first is by Anne Jackson. Its on the power of words and it def hit home for me.

For most of my life, I’ve been an extremely sensitive person. I also had a terribly awkward last name growing up, so it was easy to make fun of the goofy girl with big teeth and big eyes and a funny last name.

I spent a lot of my elementary school days crying alone in my room, brooding on whatever harsh words were spoken to me by my classmates.

In high school, I grew out of the big teeth (I actually quite like my teeth now), and found myself in academics and sports. I was in the National Honor Society, was identified by the Duke University talented program in the seventh grade, aced my honors classes, and excelled at basketball. Our family settled into Abilene for a few years while I was in high school and I made good friends that I still adore today. I didn’t get made fun of much then, or as I blossomed into an adult and into a couple of different careers.

My mom always prayed that I would have a sensitive heart, and now as I share it in a world where thousands can read and voice their own opinion, my skin has become soft again.

Words move me in dramatic ways – both positive, and negative.

Read the rest here.

And the second is by Jon Foreman.
He wrote a third article for the Huffington Post. Maybe its cause he's one of my heros of sorts and I try to write in a similar manner but it also struck a few chords with me.

Communication is a pregnancy of sorts. In a speaker's mind, a thought is conceived, then spoken, heard, and then ultimately gives birth to new thought in the listener's mental landscape. For example, when I say "tree," a picture builds in your imagination, a new life-form within your mind; a platonic idea of oak or maple appears out of nothing within your thoughts. This mental icon represents your understanding of the word. (Incidentally, this apprehension is independent of the speaker's intentions).

In many ways, words are metaphors pointing to the objects they represent. The word "tree" is not a tree; it is simply a placeholder for the real thing. Our understanding of the world is built upon a deeper set of presuppositions. Meaning demands meaning. Reason demands reason: 1+1=2, only when we agree upon the meaning of these symbols. The same is true for words. Words are our framework of meaning. Every one is a metaphor reaching to something beyond it's simple spelling and articulation.

Read the rest here.
The first two blogs on Huffington are also here and here.

I like being me just for me.

Currently: waiting for my music to start playing. Ah, there it is.

My hair is messy.

My face looks gross. I just read this blog and it makes me wonder what others would think if i started wearing make-up daily again. Some days I dont even do my hair, just let it flow and be its natural craziness.

Ive been in my pjs all day long and it makes me feel unmotivated and lazy. I have nothing to do.

I want to keep just reading and writing and sleeping and hiding in my little cocoon when I need to start preparing for school in a couple weeks.

A new semester. Another chance to be better.

I didnt post yesterday because..why? I tend to not write till late and went to college group. came back home late and couldnt get myself to write for anyone but myself till 1 am.

These feel like hard days ahead. Im not sure why. But it doesnt freak me out anymore.
I know Im ready for whatever, that God prepares me for everything. I'll work it all out in time. He'll let me know on his time.

I think this year is going to bring change. And I feel like Im going to get more of certain kinds of it than I have before in the past.

but right now? Right now Im going to look at classes and listen to music and wait for Craig Ferguson to be on.