I need these 10 minutes, I need this honesty.

Currently: listening to this song.

My last post-the one wrote yesterday and just now posted. It scares me.

I wanted to write what Im now added to it, but I knew it I couldnt.

Because now Im talking about fear and honesty.

Ive been very scared with my life lately. And its because I know that God has not only placed me in a time of my life I dont understand, but situations are completely new and foreign to me too.

But at the same time, its forced me to be be more honest.
Mostly more honest in general, but more importantly, more honest to myself.

Here's the thing. I need this. I need God.

I dont care if you read my blog or not, agree with my life and opinions or not, cause this is me.

And me? As scary as it is to admit I have issues just to spend 10 minutes with God, Im being honest about my situation.

I need those 10 minutes to be away.

I need to be honest about how it went too.

I am me when I write and sing and worship. But if you ask me how I am in person, I bend my truth. I routinely say "fine, okay".

I am scared of getting my heart hurt horribly hurt again, even when Im happiest Ive ever been in my life.

But I want to be truthful. I am sick and tired of the drama and games of hiding old fears, of not working them out.

Sometimes that includes my worries that Im still depressed or that I'll never work out a "normal life" that a lot of people want for me.

But it also includes how great life is, how much God has blessed it.

I am scared, but I am honest in this new time of my life.
Im not sure which part of it is bigger.

I love the old parts, I love the comfort, But I have so much wanderlust.
I have feelings of temporanyiness and like I'll be somewhere else soon.

And Im so so so ready for it.

Ties to the World

Currently: in need of a nap. or something

My church is doing this 20/10 thing this year. Im not exactly sure on all the details cause for the whole first month of this year I missed the sermons and what not but essentially what it is, is for 20 days in a month, to spend 10 minutes a day with God.

I didnt do it last month due to just not understanding for some reason and in my mind being busy.
I knew I wouldnt do it if I wasnt reminded every week by pastor. Which is just..horrible.

Anyways. My church is doing it again this month and im going to try.

I just.."tried" now... I didnt think it would be this hard. Maybe its because its early in the morning and im frustrated with school and my net and its really early in the morning (I'll prolly post this much later) and other little things
BUT
I come to God so so so easily on Sunday Mornings for prayer sessions that last longer.
I stand and sing worship for so much longer.

So.Why?
Why is it harder in my home? For ten minutes?
To put on something like Lifehouse's "Everything" and just close my eyes and sing?
Maybe its because..my computer is here. My books. My phone. My distractions. My world.
All my ties to everything are here.

At church, its sanctuary, its safe. Its me and God. At home, its me and who I let in.

Ive been to conventions and camps where the theme was "Stop the Noise".
And it needs to be said. world noise, inner noise, personal noise, is so loud, so disruptive, so consuming and taking charge of our lives.

Has it become this hard to remind ourselves to take ten minutes away from it all?