Truth scares me. Sometimes.

As much as I feel Ive been ranting here lately (and I dont like it much), I feel the need to post this.

On Sunday I got sick and since Ive gotten better (it was just a small cold) but am dealing with another bout of small sickness and my worst enemy: insomnia.

I mean. Ive dealt with insomnia a lot over the years and trust me, I know the steps to get rid of it. Im totally not that person who follows the rules to stay away from it.
(Someone even twittered me the steps to get rid of it the other night. WHAT.)

Anyways. As gross as insomnia is, it always leads to some kind of inspiration or some kind nugget of truth.

So I wrote in my journal and I felt I should share part of what I wrote. So here we go.
(I just realized if you dont talk to me much you may not know why my journal entry lead to this but I trust you're all smart and will figure it out.)

Leaving scares me. And my parents dont want me to but...there is a knowing need that I need to.
I want to more and more everyday.

God Im growing up.
It freaks me out so much.

Id like nothing more than to crawl back not a hole and revert back to another age, but Ive learned and know better.
I cant just hide. I have to grow and move and learn.

I need these 10 minutes, I need this honesty.

Currently: listening to this song.

My last post-the one wrote yesterday and just now posted. It scares me.

I wanted to write what Im now added to it, but I knew it I couldnt.

Because now Im talking about fear and honesty.

Ive been very scared with my life lately. And its because I know that God has not only placed me in a time of my life I dont understand, but situations are completely new and foreign to me too.

But at the same time, its forced me to be be more honest.
Mostly more honest in general, but more importantly, more honest to myself.

Here's the thing. I need this. I need God.

I dont care if you read my blog or not, agree with my life and opinions or not, cause this is me.

And me? As scary as it is to admit I have issues just to spend 10 minutes with God, Im being honest about my situation.

I need those 10 minutes to be away.

I need to be honest about how it went too.

I am me when I write and sing and worship. But if you ask me how I am in person, I bend my truth. I routinely say "fine, okay".

I am scared of getting my heart hurt horribly hurt again, even when Im happiest Ive ever been in my life.

But I want to be truthful. I am sick and tired of the drama and games of hiding old fears, of not working them out.

Sometimes that includes my worries that Im still depressed or that I'll never work out a "normal life" that a lot of people want for me.

But it also includes how great life is, how much God has blessed it.

I am scared, but I am honest in this new time of my life.
Im not sure which part of it is bigger.

I love the old parts, I love the comfort, But I have so much wanderlust.
I have feelings of temporanyiness and like I'll be somewhere else soon.

And Im so so so ready for it.