Truth scares me. Sometimes.

As much as I feel Ive been ranting here lately (and I dont like it much), I feel the need to post this.

On Sunday I got sick and since Ive gotten better (it was just a small cold) but am dealing with another bout of small sickness and my worst enemy: insomnia.

I mean. Ive dealt with insomnia a lot over the years and trust me, I know the steps to get rid of it. Im totally not that person who follows the rules to stay away from it.
(Someone even twittered me the steps to get rid of it the other night. WHAT.)

Anyways. As gross as insomnia is, it always leads to some kind of inspiration or some kind nugget of truth.

So I wrote in my journal and I felt I should share part of what I wrote. So here we go.
(I just realized if you dont talk to me much you may not know why my journal entry lead to this but I trust you're all smart and will figure it out.)

Leaving scares me. And my parents dont want me to but...there is a knowing need that I need to.
I want to more and more everyday.

God Im growing up.
It freaks me out so much.

Id like nothing more than to crawl back not a hole and revert back to another age, but Ive learned and know better.
I cant just hide. I have to grow and move and learn.

Seriously? It has to be scheauled like that?

Warning: this post contains rantings about school. So don't be offended. or offend me. hehe :P
But seriously.

DDDDUUUUDDDDEEEEE.

I was on schedule and now I'm behind on homework again.

Im making a Google doc with the list of homework and tests and such for the rest of the semester so i stay better on track. (So if you want me to email it to you so you can see it and help me stay on track, let me know your email!)

I mean, okay, some little things are me not getting stuff done on time but really?!?!?

Like-why the crap are teachers making the midterm test the class after spring week???

I don't want to study on spring week! Ugh. *whine whine whine*

Well at least there's no real Midterm or Final for my Art and Drama classes.

My math class I can handle. Just need to finish an assignment or two in the next couple weeks and I'll let myself breath about it again.
(Why the Midterm is worth more than my final I really dont get. And tis annoying to do A LOT of homework when its only worth like 10%. Whatever)

But my health class??
I like that teacher, I really do.
But man is she packing it on with papers and projects and huge midterm and huge final. UGH UGH UGH.

Oh. And then I'm not only trying to do all this but also move up my finals for a trip at the end of May.
(Seriously praying for those two teachers to email me soon and let me move those finals around.)

Oy Vey.

If I wasn't already crazy, I'll be clinically insane soon.

*sigh* Alright. Rant over.

I hate Failing.

Warning: There will be ranting in this post.

Currently: listening to rock music.

Blame Me! Blame Me! Blame Me!
For mistakes you've made
But you can't own
Hate Me! Hate Me! Hate Me!
For every honest word
That you postpone
Blame Me! Blame Me!-Anberlin

I really and truly hate that I got sick.
I used to get sick all the time and didn't care. But when I turned my life back around and got serious about my Faith, I started not getting sick. So when I am sick, it bugs me, cause I cant do anything.

I started my summer classes 5 weeks ago with the intention of finishing them with passing grades.
And then I got sick last week. Honest to goodness sick with a fever and me sleeping all day and just feeling like poop. The fact that its summer and hot outside did not help.
I missed class.
I thought, okay so I missed all week. If I go back Monday for the last four days, I might be able to redeem something and maybe at least get a couple low C's.
I slept through my alarms on Monday. I still had a fever to sweat out, despite feeling better.

And because of my teacher's grading systems (and lack of returned e-mails), I knew there was no way I'd pass, even if I got like 100% on my finals.
I already feel like crap about it.
And now my dear ole Father is giving me the silent treatment.

Okay, maybe it is better then the yelling and scolding I would get when I screwed up in High School, but seriously?
I cannot help or change what happened.
Its not like Im not going to retake the classes, I am. And I already have the books for when I do.

My mom explained all this and more to him. But he's mad, and not talking to me.

-_-

I am so sick of this. Of failing. Of being the family failure.
I try my hardest to succeed in everything and I almost never see any results. Its frustrating.

I just. Ugh.

Back to cleaning the house every day for me. Until fall semester starts. And/Or I get a job.