Oi vey.

I have been saying Oi.
A lot.

And while at first I thought it was from talking to certain friends, I also realized it couldv'e been from watching Doctor Who.

But honestly, esp this morning, I had multiple Oi moments.

First off.
I got sunburned at the Bro-Am Saturday. Nothing I havent dealt with before but it hurts and its just..bleh.
My mom was putting aloe/burn stuff on me this morning and shes all "oh no. there are blisters. this is third degree sunburn"
OI.

Cause thats JUST what I wanted to hear.

Next:
My friend procrastinated on buying tickets for Comic-Con or finding a way to get in for free.
And more tickets were posted today but he had work and was calling me, having me sit here and trying to figure it out.
I could not figure it out.
I was looking at wrong things and then it said it was sold out and just...
Oi.

In the end, I was able to buy his pass for it and all but..Oi oi.

And THEN.
Anberlin has an album coming out in September.
They posted a new song/video early today on twitter.
And the twitvid wouldnt work for me.
I think I was literally saying "OI!" to the computer every five minutes.

In the end, yes it got resolved. The thing finally let me login and watch it and then someone was nice enough to post it on youtube.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=of9U3aGUyvU


so, in short.
My new favorite word is Oi.
and while a lot of things this morning started out frustrating and bad..some good has come back with it.

Well...not the sunburn. not yet. It should tan over soon.

Whats your favorite word?

Greetings from Ohio.

A week ago at this time I was waiting on my plane to fly out of San Diego.

Now Im in Dayton, Ohio and have already seen rain thunder and lighting and sun all in the span of one week.

Friday was flying from San Diego to St. Louis, where I ate my packed dinner, talked to some strangers about life while our plane got delayed two hours.

Finally flew from St.Louis to Columbus, flying through big huge dark clouds with lighting going on outside the plane window.
So reassuring

Heh. Was fun though.
MY aunt and cousin picked me up and I spent the night at my family's house before my friend picked me up in the morning and we we went to rock On The range.
I'll make a separate post for the review of the that BUT I saw the following bands:

Saturday:
Sevendust
Drowning Pool
Puddle of Mudd
Papa Roach
Skillet (barely. scary moshpit)
Killswitch Engage (very scary moshpit)
Rise Against
Three Days Grace
Godsmack
Sunday:
(Didnt see Apocalyptica but heard them as we were walking into the venue. dang that sleeping in),
Five Finger Death Punch,
Anberlin (^_^)
Slash
Seether
Rob Zombie
Limp Bizkit

It was a fun two days.
Even though I dont listen to most of these bands actively, its still fun to say yea I saw these guys live.
Some of the shows they put on were just really freaking good.
That and getting to hang out with my best friend and talk all weekend about...everything.

Since then?
Well
Monday
we....went to the library and checked out movies. watched one. dinner. watched another.
and then i forget. we kept staying up late talking.
Tuesday
Tom had work so I used his computer to do my last paper of the semester and get all that turned in before he came home and talked more and watched another movie.
Wed
Watched movie. headed back to library to return movie and check out a couple more then Tom went to work and i did more schoolish stuff. then he came home and..movie and talking again. essentially.
Thurs.
Pretty much the same. again. Cept from like 6-9 my aunt to me to her Mary Kay meeting and I got a little free makeover on my face and a prize cause I was a guest. :D
Friday (Today)
Went to library, bank, ad then a wal-mart like store to pick up things.
ate lunch.
And now Tom's at work and im debating what to do online.
Im more tempted to go outside and take ten million pictures.

Its so so nice here.

Like. There was a thunderstorm here yesterday and it just sealed the deal of me not wanting to leave.
Sooo nice here. I swear.
Well. Thats all for now.

More in the coming days.

Just my undivided honesty

I posed this song last night.

I really do love the song. Its a love song really, and that's part of it. But I couldn't stop singing it and realized it was almost a worship song? almost??

In a really kind of..alternative way.

Anyways.

Another friend posted this article about the album the song is on.

A Tour Guide to Anberlin’s CITIES

Dismantle.Repair.

This is, without a doubt, the essential Anberlin song (a title only truly challenged by Readyfuels). I remember my excitement for this song building from the moment I first heard a clip of it on the absolutely incredible teaser trailer for Cities. The morning they posted the whole song online, I got up early before school and listened to it several times in a row on Purevolume, and it instantly became my favorite Anberlin song. I love the fake-outs – the build-up at the end of the first verse that skips the chorus and barrels right into the second verse makes the chorus infinitely more powerful when it finally hits, as does the fake ending after the bridge. I think the lyrics are some of the best that Stephen has ever written, and the introduction of the “patron saint of lost causes” theme brilliantly paves the way for what’s to come with (*Fin). I could gush about this song all day. Its inspiration is Stephen at perhaps his most vulnerable, making this song the best proof that the heart-on-sleeve, “guinea pig experiment” of exposing his inner demons through the lyrics of Cities was one of the most successful and rewarding risks Anberlin have ever taken.

Here is a link to the blog entry that eventually inspired Stephen to write this song, after someone in the comments said it was “great song writing material.” One of the most important single-sentence blog comments ever?

STEPHEN SAYS: “It’s a story about me and one person, but these are several actual characters combined, in real life. It’s about how absolutely crushing words can be. They have the power of life and death. They’re the small rudder of a ship, but they steer it wherever it goes.” ^[2]

“If you told your children, for the rest of their life, how horrible they are, they’re no good, they’ll never make it to college, they’ll never be anything, they’re worthless – you, literally, with your words, could change and devastate their lives. Or you can go home and tell them how proud you are, and how beautiful they are, and tell your wife how good she is. Do you understand how powerful that is? That’s what the song is about – words, and the words that are played into your life, and the words that you play into lives.” ^[2]

“I was blessed with a father who told me that he was proud of me, and that I could do whatever I wanted; that whatever I set my heart to, I needed to go do that.” ^[2]

Reading this song really got me thinking about openness. Willingness to share.
Because in all honesty-my favorite writers and singer-sthey are all about that.

You can hear their life story and read their books, listen to their music and it all correlates. It fits.


For a long time, Ive wanted to be all about honesty. And while I'm better at it than I was five years ago, I still struggle. A lot.
And the thing is-I write. I write here, I write in my journal, my sermon notes. I have pages and books full of songs and poems.

And I want to share them. I want to send these songs to record companies and say "this needs to be sung"

I wouldn't sing it-I know me and being a singer isn't me.
But just sharing the songs-that's still a big part of it.

It still scares me to share my songs and poems and let people know in my way whats going on.

Makes me wonder if I really am honest and open.

Makes me glad that sometimes I don't have to be.

Makes me glad there is so much music that already is.

You dismantle me

I love this song.

One last glance from a taxi cab
Images scar my mind
Four weeks've felt like years
Since your full attention was all mine
The night was young and so were we
Talked about life, God, death, and your family
Didn't want any promises,
Just my undivided honesty, and you said

Oh oh, things are gonna change now for the better
Oh oh, things are gonna change, oh, they're gonna change

I am the patron saint of lost causes
A fraction of who I once believed (change)
only a matter of time
Opinions I would try and rewrite
If life had background music playing your song
I've got to be honest, I tried to escape you
But the orchestra plays on, and they sang

Oh oh, things are gonna change now for the better
Oh oh, things are gonna change

[Chorus 2x]
Hands, like secrets, are the hardest thing to keep from you
Lines and phrases, like knives, your words can cut me through
Dismantle me down (repair)
You dismantle me
You dismantle me

Give me time to prove
Prove I want the rest of yours (prelude)
Call this a prelude to a lifetime of you
It's not that I hang on every word
I hang myself on what you repeat
It's not that I keep hanging on
I'm never letting go

[Chorus 2x]
Hands, like secrets, are the hardest thing to keep from you
Lines and phrases, like knives, your words can cut me through
Dismantle me down (repair)
You dismantle me
You dismantle me

Save me from myself
Save me from myself
Help me save me from myself
Save me from myself

Oh oh, things are gonna change now for the better
Oh oh, things are gonna change

[Chorus 4x]
Hands, like secrets, are the hardest thing to keep from you
Lines and phrases, like knives, your words can cut me through
Dismantle me down (repair)
You dismantle me
You dismantle me

Take it to heart.

Currently: listening to Anberlin's Cities.

I dont think I could ever list every reason why Ive come to love teaching childrens church but I found another today.

I can take it all to heart.

The fact that the kids WANT to pray for each other, that they KNOW God is great and amazing.
They have such amazing faith.

I think we reverse grow in faith. We live in copious amounts of it at that young age and then go back trying to have the child faith again.

But mostly, that I can take what Im teaching to heart.

Regardless that Im the teacher and teaching and *should* know all this.
Regardless that its the simple stuff.

Its the stuff that we need to hear.
I feel like a sponge teaching. Soaking it up and squeezing and pouring it back out onto the kids.

Thank you God.

Your motives unstable you're like an unwinding cable car
Listening for voices, but it's the choices that make us who we are
Go your own way, even seasons have changed just burn those new leaves over
So self-absorbed you've seemed to ignore the prayers that have already come about

This is the correlation of salvation and love
Don't drop your arms
Don't drop your arms, I'll guard your heart
With quiet words I'll lead you in

La lalalala, la la la, la lala, la
La lalalala, la la la, la lala, la

Backing away from the problem of pain you never had a home
You've been misguided, you're hiding in shadows for so very long
Don't you believe that you've been deceived? that you're no better than...
The hair in your eyes, it never disguised what you're really thinking of

This is the correlation of salvation and love
Don't drop your arms
Don't drop your arms, I'll guard your heart
With quiet words I'll lead you in

This is the correlation of salvation and love
(Don't drop your arms)
Don't drop your arms, I'll guard your heart
With quiet words I'll lead you in

You're so brilliant, don't soon forget
You're so brilliant, grace marks your heart
You're so brilliant, don't soon forget
You're so brilliant, grace marks your heart
You're so brilliant (This is the correlation)
Don't soon forget (Between salvation and love, don't drop your arms)
You're so brilliant (I'll guard your heart)
Grace marked your heart (With quiet words I'll lead you in and out of the dark)

La lalalala, la la la, la lala, la
Don't drop your arms
La lalalala, la la la, la lala, la

This is the correlation of salvation and love (La lalalala, la la la, la lala, la)
(Don't drop your arms)
Don't drop your arms, I'll guard your heart (La lalalala, la la la, la lala, la)
With quiet words I'll lead you in

This is the correlation of salvation and love (La lalalala, la la la, la lala, la)
(Don't drop your arms)
Don't drop your arms, I'll guard your heart (La lalalala, la la la, la lala, la)
With quiet words I'll lead you in
The Unwinding Cable Car-Anberlin

I hate Failing.

Warning: There will be ranting in this post.

Currently: listening to rock music.

Blame Me! Blame Me! Blame Me!
For mistakes you've made
But you can't own
Hate Me! Hate Me! Hate Me!
For every honest word
That you postpone
Blame Me! Blame Me!-Anberlin

I really and truly hate that I got sick.
I used to get sick all the time and didn't care. But when I turned my life back around and got serious about my Faith, I started not getting sick. So when I am sick, it bugs me, cause I cant do anything.

I started my summer classes 5 weeks ago with the intention of finishing them with passing grades.
And then I got sick last week. Honest to goodness sick with a fever and me sleeping all day and just feeling like poop. The fact that its summer and hot outside did not help.
I missed class.
I thought, okay so I missed all week. If I go back Monday for the last four days, I might be able to redeem something and maybe at least get a couple low C's.
I slept through my alarms on Monday. I still had a fever to sweat out, despite feeling better.

And because of my teacher's grading systems (and lack of returned e-mails), I knew there was no way I'd pass, even if I got like 100% on my finals.
I already feel like crap about it.
And now my dear ole Father is giving me the silent treatment.

Okay, maybe it is better then the yelling and scolding I would get when I screwed up in High School, but seriously?
I cannot help or change what happened.
Its not like Im not going to retake the classes, I am. And I already have the books for when I do.

My mom explained all this and more to him. But he's mad, and not talking to me.

-_-

I am so sick of this. Of failing. Of being the family failure.
I try my hardest to succeed in everything and I almost never see any results. Its frustrating.

I just. Ugh.

Back to cleaning the house every day for me. Until fall semester starts. And/Or I get a job.

A random burst of ephiphany

Currently: listening to miserabile visu {ex malo bonum} -Anberlin

(Note: I'm going to be straight about a couple things, so if this blogs offends, sorry.)

My brain made a connection today that it has needed to make for months now.
For a while I kept thinking about clean breaks. How clean breaks are easier to fix. How almost nothing in my life has been "easy" to "fix".
And then on the cruise, our speaker said that break-up's are just the kind of thing that don't clean up easy. It made sense.
He said something else.
Now before this, I'd learned in different relationships, bonds are made. Different bonds, different ways.
In marriage, one of those is sex. The bond made by that is the reason people shouldn't have sex before marriage. It makes it harder afterwards if you break up.

But the speaker on the cruise said something. It's not the sex, its the orgasm itself.
The way my brain has simply put and applied it to other things in my life-the happier it makes you, the harder it will to be let go.

It makes freakin sense. I get why now there were certain things and people I didnt care about when I let go of because they didn't necessarily have that much meaning in my life where as other things hurt me greatly.
The difference between really caring and not caring is huge.

Thats all I wanted to share. I'm spent. For a handful of reasons, today was mentally exhausting.