My heart.

My cat went missing.
Hasn't been home since last Monday.

And until the other night I was fine. Then a thunderstorm blew through and my heart broke.
Some of you may not care, as it is just..a cat
But he was my cat. My baby. This furry black and white thing Ive had since he was born, who acted almost exactly like me.

My heart is breaking. I do not want to accept the truth that he might be gone forever.


But in a truly unexpected way, it is also healing.

This has been one of weeks where my heart is truly shone, where I cry at everything, where I am in just wonder and awe at God's power and how he works through everything.


My cat had a girlfriend.
This black and white cat who roamed the apartment complex.
She got pregnant. Considering she hung out with might cat, we figured it was his doing.

She's been coming to visit us more and more.

Today, she didn't leave our house.
Around 6 pm she went into labor.

And now, at 3:30 am, she is curled up on my bed with 7 newborn kittens.

I saw these kittens being born.

The miracle of birth is astonishing. Whether its a human, chicken, or cat. Its simply amazing.


My heart is healing.


My heart is breaking and healing because of the truth. Because of love, because of God.

And I realize, I know, that sometimes we have to be broken more to heal properly, to work better.


But as astonishing as this truth is, it still hurts.

I know I'll be fine. But now I am in a wandering state of mind.
Broken and healed.
Love.
And with God.

always.

Always with God.

And this post my friends..this is me being fully honest about things. No editing.
No going back and retyping my sentences.

I think it took my heart being more exposed for my truth to shine a little bit brighter.

Just my undivided honesty

I posed this song last night.

I really do love the song. Its a love song really, and that's part of it. But I couldn't stop singing it and realized it was almost a worship song? almost??

In a really kind of..alternative way.

Anyways.

Another friend posted this article about the album the song is on.

A Tour Guide to Anberlin’s CITIES

Dismantle.Repair.

This is, without a doubt, the essential Anberlin song (a title only truly challenged by Readyfuels). I remember my excitement for this song building from the moment I first heard a clip of it on the absolutely incredible teaser trailer for Cities. The morning they posted the whole song online, I got up early before school and listened to it several times in a row on Purevolume, and it instantly became my favorite Anberlin song. I love the fake-outs – the build-up at the end of the first verse that skips the chorus and barrels right into the second verse makes the chorus infinitely more powerful when it finally hits, as does the fake ending after the bridge. I think the lyrics are some of the best that Stephen has ever written, and the introduction of the “patron saint of lost causes” theme brilliantly paves the way for what’s to come with (*Fin). I could gush about this song all day. Its inspiration is Stephen at perhaps his most vulnerable, making this song the best proof that the heart-on-sleeve, “guinea pig experiment” of exposing his inner demons through the lyrics of Cities was one of the most successful and rewarding risks Anberlin have ever taken.

Here is a link to the blog entry that eventually inspired Stephen to write this song, after someone in the comments said it was “great song writing material.” One of the most important single-sentence blog comments ever?

STEPHEN SAYS: “It’s a story about me and one person, but these are several actual characters combined, in real life. It’s about how absolutely crushing words can be. They have the power of life and death. They’re the small rudder of a ship, but they steer it wherever it goes.” ^[2]

“If you told your children, for the rest of their life, how horrible they are, they’re no good, they’ll never make it to college, they’ll never be anything, they’re worthless – you, literally, with your words, could change and devastate their lives. Or you can go home and tell them how proud you are, and how beautiful they are, and tell your wife how good she is. Do you understand how powerful that is? That’s what the song is about – words, and the words that are played into your life, and the words that you play into lives.” ^[2]

“I was blessed with a father who told me that he was proud of me, and that I could do whatever I wanted; that whatever I set my heart to, I needed to go do that.” ^[2]

Reading this song really got me thinking about openness. Willingness to share.
Because in all honesty-my favorite writers and singer-sthey are all about that.

You can hear their life story and read their books, listen to their music and it all correlates. It fits.


For a long time, Ive wanted to be all about honesty. And while I'm better at it than I was five years ago, I still struggle. A lot.
And the thing is-I write. I write here, I write in my journal, my sermon notes. I have pages and books full of songs and poems.

And I want to share them. I want to send these songs to record companies and say "this needs to be sung"

I wouldn't sing it-I know me and being a singer isn't me.
But just sharing the songs-that's still a big part of it.

It still scares me to share my songs and poems and let people know in my way whats going on.

Makes me wonder if I really am honest and open.

Makes me glad that sometimes I don't have to be.

Makes me glad there is so much music that already is.

Truth scares me. Sometimes.

As much as I feel Ive been ranting here lately (and I dont like it much), I feel the need to post this.

On Sunday I got sick and since Ive gotten better (it was just a small cold) but am dealing with another bout of small sickness and my worst enemy: insomnia.

I mean. Ive dealt with insomnia a lot over the years and trust me, I know the steps to get rid of it. Im totally not that person who follows the rules to stay away from it.
(Someone even twittered me the steps to get rid of it the other night. WHAT.)

Anyways. As gross as insomnia is, it always leads to some kind of inspiration or some kind nugget of truth.

So I wrote in my journal and I felt I should share part of what I wrote. So here we go.
(I just realized if you dont talk to me much you may not know why my journal entry lead to this but I trust you're all smart and will figure it out.)

Leaving scares me. And my parents dont want me to but...there is a knowing need that I need to.
I want to more and more everyday.

God Im growing up.
It freaks me out so much.

Id like nothing more than to crawl back not a hole and revert back to another age, but Ive learned and know better.
I cant just hide. I have to grow and move and learn.

I need these 10 minutes, I need this honesty.

Currently: listening to this song.

My last post-the one wrote yesterday and just now posted. It scares me.

I wanted to write what Im now added to it, but I knew it I couldnt.

Because now Im talking about fear and honesty.

Ive been very scared with my life lately. And its because I know that God has not only placed me in a time of my life I dont understand, but situations are completely new and foreign to me too.

But at the same time, its forced me to be be more honest.
Mostly more honest in general, but more importantly, more honest to myself.

Here's the thing. I need this. I need God.

I dont care if you read my blog or not, agree with my life and opinions or not, cause this is me.

And me? As scary as it is to admit I have issues just to spend 10 minutes with God, Im being honest about my situation.

I need those 10 minutes to be away.

I need to be honest about how it went too.

I am me when I write and sing and worship. But if you ask me how I am in person, I bend my truth. I routinely say "fine, okay".

I am scared of getting my heart hurt horribly hurt again, even when Im happiest Ive ever been in my life.

But I want to be truthful. I am sick and tired of the drama and games of hiding old fears, of not working them out.

Sometimes that includes my worries that Im still depressed or that I'll never work out a "normal life" that a lot of people want for me.

But it also includes how great life is, how much God has blessed it.

I am scared, but I am honest in this new time of my life.
Im not sure which part of it is bigger.

I love the old parts, I love the comfort, But I have so much wanderlust.
I have feelings of temporanyiness and like I'll be somewhere else soon.

And Im so so so ready for it.