"You are the hope, that keeps me trusting."

This song has been stuck in my head.
I love it. Its applicable to my life and I always feel the need to share it.
(There is the famous skit to this song to, but as a musician, I fall much more in love with the song and the words)

Find Me Here
Speak To Me
I want to feel you
I need to hear you
You are the light
That's leading me
To the place where I find peace again.

You are the strength, that keeps me walking.
You are the hope, that keeps me trusting.
You are the light to my soul.
You are my purpose...you're everything.

How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

You calm the storms, and you give me rest.
You hold me in your hands, you won't let me fall.
You steal my heart, and you take my breath away.
Would you take me in? Take me deeper now?

How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?
And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

Cause you're all I want, You're all I need
You're everything,everything
You're all I want your all I need
You're everything, everything.
You're all I want you're all I need.
You're everything, everything
You're all I want you're all I need, you're everything, everything.

And How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?
How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

I need these 10 minutes, I need this honesty.

Currently: listening to this song.

My last post-the one wrote yesterday and just now posted. It scares me.

I wanted to write what Im now added to it, but I knew it I couldnt.

Because now Im talking about fear and honesty.

Ive been very scared with my life lately. And its because I know that God has not only placed me in a time of my life I dont understand, but situations are completely new and foreign to me too.

But at the same time, its forced me to be be more honest.
Mostly more honest in general, but more importantly, more honest to myself.

Here's the thing. I need this. I need God.

I dont care if you read my blog or not, agree with my life and opinions or not, cause this is me.

And me? As scary as it is to admit I have issues just to spend 10 minutes with God, Im being honest about my situation.

I need those 10 minutes to be away.

I need to be honest about how it went too.

I am me when I write and sing and worship. But if you ask me how I am in person, I bend my truth. I routinely say "fine, okay".

I am scared of getting my heart hurt horribly hurt again, even when Im happiest Ive ever been in my life.

But I want to be truthful. I am sick and tired of the drama and games of hiding old fears, of not working them out.

Sometimes that includes my worries that Im still depressed or that I'll never work out a "normal life" that a lot of people want for me.

But it also includes how great life is, how much God has blessed it.

I am scared, but I am honest in this new time of my life.
Im not sure which part of it is bigger.

I love the old parts, I love the comfort, But I have so much wanderlust.
I have feelings of temporanyiness and like I'll be somewhere else soon.

And Im so so so ready for it.

Ties to the World

Currently: in need of a nap. or something

My church is doing this 20/10 thing this year. Im not exactly sure on all the details cause for the whole first month of this year I missed the sermons and what not but essentially what it is, is for 20 days in a month, to spend 10 minutes a day with God.

I didnt do it last month due to just not understanding for some reason and in my mind being busy.
I knew I wouldnt do it if I wasnt reminded every week by pastor. Which is just..horrible.

Anyways. My church is doing it again this month and im going to try.

I just.."tried" now... I didnt think it would be this hard. Maybe its because its early in the morning and im frustrated with school and my net and its really early in the morning (I'll prolly post this much later) and other little things
BUT
I come to God so so so easily on Sunday Mornings for prayer sessions that last longer.
I stand and sing worship for so much longer.

So.Why?
Why is it harder in my home? For ten minutes?
To put on something like Lifehouse's "Everything" and just close my eyes and sing?
Maybe its because..my computer is here. My books. My phone. My distractions. My world.
All my ties to everything are here.

At church, its sanctuary, its safe. Its me and God. At home, its me and who I let in.

Ive been to conventions and camps where the theme was "Stop the Noise".
And it needs to be said. world noise, inner noise, personal noise, is so loud, so disruptive, so consuming and taking charge of our lives.

Has it become this hard to remind ourselves to take ten minutes away from it all?

My Favorite Month.

Currently: House in on. (I was watching Jeopardy before that. College week!)

Okay, here goes my first post for this month.
Oh and look at the pretty NaBloPoMo badge!
Eee. Heh.

I like February. Its my favorite month. Its that perfect bwtn Winter and Spring month and has my cats birthday, my birthday.
Im indifferent to VDay.
Oh. Had a meeting for kids church yesterday. Makes me very very excited for my church and our kids program.
I'll be a bit busier but we're doing things that hopefully make the kids happier and I love that part of it. :)

Not much else. Planning a long day at school tomorrow.

OH.ALSO.
I edited my blog a little bit but please please please let me know if i dont have your blog on my blogroll thing. Mmk?
At some point, im gonna go edit old posts and put more tags in. Its weird to see how much I post about what.
Alright. Im done.

Best...Writing.

Currently: really really tired.

It's the last day of the month.
So thoughts on the NaBloPoMo thing?
I mostly like it. Its fun and I like writing and sharing things.

The only stretch for me? Posting every single day. Sometimes Im too busy or tired and just dont have the inspiration, motivation.

But it got more thinking about what I do write, how I write, what I share.

Im thinking of doing like a scheadule thing. Maybe share a bunch of links one day a week, take a couple days off.

Edit.
So I wrote all that yesterday and had to get offline with the intention of coming back and posting before going to bed.
iFail. (I do it ALOT).

I dont have much to add to what I already wrote.
I did sign up for the month of Feb for NaBloPoMo. I dont expect to post EVERY SINGLE DAY,
but we'll see.
The theme is ties. Ties to things. Hmm. This could be interesting.
Im more or less likely being connected to bigger group of bloggers.
Alrighty. Back to thy lives people.

Time rules my life some days

Currently: watching House on Hulu, making a To-Do list and thinking about how busy I'll be this weekend.

Someone gave a really nice Journal for Christmas 08 and I haven't used it till now? What am I uing it for??
Lists.
So far: Things I Want To Be, Ideas For Major, and a To-Do List with today's date. (not all to do today, just the first of what i expect to be many to-do lists.)

I missed yesterdays post cause my internet sucked and by the time I got on I didn't feel like rushing something when i had no inspiration.
And then I realized that after this post I only have one more for this month. It'll prolly be a wrap-up post on the whole posting for a month thing. Ive got like 10 million little ideas.

Honestly, Id love to keep posting at least 3/4 times a week, but it hit me earlier not only how busy I am this weekend (figuring out school stuff, two lunch meetings, 2 classes to teach, homework, reading, sleep? maybe) but how busy I'll be this semester.

I keep thinking I did the same stuff last semester but I keep comparing it in my head and for some reason it feels like Ive taken on more.

Im actually expecting a lot of things.

Like that Im gonna be sick on my upcoming Birthday.
-I was sick when I was 5. (My "party" was delayed two days and i pushed to have it with my parents worry about me eating the cake and keeping it down)
-I dont remember how or why but I know I was sick when I turned 10 (Pocahontas themed things that year. THAT I remember.)
-I was sick when I turned 15. Out of school a week and a half. My friends swear it was so no one could sing to me at school. (Also-the only time I ever got flowers-Bouquet of pink roses from my dad)

I expect to stress out a few times this semester.

I expect to hate time and the clock and constant rotation of scheduled things.

Can we just stop the clock for a little bit?

I mean..put in time to sleep or get those little tiny things done. (They add up the most y'know)

And not even all of it has dawned on me, everything I need to do. Its insane.

Didnt I just talk about time when the new year came?
About the craziness of a new year, new decade?

Oye. Its moment like these I feel old. And you have no idea how many I know are looking at the screen or at me and talking to me on the phone going "you are not old...me on the other hand.." (or some variation of that.)

Anyways. Im starting to ramble and I reserve that for the letters I write to people.
Its 4 am. I have lists to write. Sleep to eventually see to.

Best...(My own) Words.

Since I read those blogs I posted yesterday I cant get the thought about words out of head.

How big and huge and important they are. How they impact us daily. Every hour second of every minute of hour of day of week of...

Words are huge.

Like in the Anne Jackson blog-it close to home for me because I got teased in Elemantary school.
Somedays Im still not sure why.
I mean I was this little nerdy girl with glasses who hung out with either guys or nobdy 90% of the time. And then I have this kind of infamous last name. It didnt help that while I was in Elemantary school this ketchup brand that my last name is close to came out with new brands of Ketchup providing much more nicknames for me.

Point is, I know how words can hurt. Heck. I taught about in Kids church just this much. How the "Sticks and stones can break my bones but words can never hurt me" phrase isnt always true.

And that stuff when I was a kid. It doesnt hurt me now. I can for the most part brush it off.
But when you're 9, 10..and hitting puberty before anybody else?
Yea. I can safely say it impacted me.

But I know the good of words too.

I know, many times over, how it feels or what happens when you listen to a song and your heart responds to every line.
I know what happens when you go to church and pray and break down because the pastor or someone praying said a word or phrase that you needed to hear, that God wanted you to be there to hear it that day.

Words are big-receiving and giving. Having a little brother, Ive learned when I go far.
Having friends who are girls-Ive learned it.
In middle school, I started to loathe drama and realized painfully in High School how it was created by spoken rumors just spun out of control-and of course spoken by word of mouth over and over and over.

But its not like we can close our ears to not words, not close our mouths to not say them. It is an essential human thing.

Jon foreman wrote how when you say word and an image comes to mind, it is a placeholder.

If I said brownie-is it not an image of your favorite kind in your head? Not the word itself?

Maybe Im finding the writer in myself but Jon's paragraph struck me so deep and true.

I don't write songs when I'm happy. When I'm content, I take my wife out to dinner, I go surfing. I hang out with my friends and play ridiculous cover tunes when I'm happy. But when I'm depressed, I turn to look for something beyond this life. When I'm lonely and nothing makes sense and the world has lost it's flavor I search for notes and words that usher in a transcendence that soars high above the tragedy. I look for to song to understand the present tragedy in the context of a hope for a better world. I look for words that remind me of a bigger story, for songs that acknowledge the tragedy and move beyond it. I look to artists who give me windows, words that provide for a new life to be birthed within me.

Is it escape? Is it a coping mechanism? Maybe a bit, but I feel that it is much more than that. The song becomes a hopeful defiance. A declaration that the injustices and absurdities of our postmodern existence are not the final downbeat. Music becomes a confession of disbelief in the world that surrounds me. A refusal to believe that these tragedies and horrors are the ultimate end. A refusal to accept the oppression of the Dalit's as anything other than tragic. A nonacceptance that the starving six year old is anything other than tragic. The song is written in defense of a world beyond this one, in defense of Truths that seldom make it to the front page of the newspaper. Words create worlds.

I bolded out what hit me most.

Words are so big. We need to eb careful how we use them. The world needs it. We need it. You AND me.