Life without...cats.

(This is more or less a continuation of my last post.)

Last time after I wrote, I went to bed with kittens sleeping next to me. I curled up on the foot of my bed with a pillow and blanket.

When I woke up the mom was eating so I leaned over and counted the kittens.
9.
Nine kittens.
(That is a large litter for even a cat.)

The rest of day was spent normally with every member of family occasionally peaking into my room to see them.
I felt strange.
My heart was hurting over my own cat being lost.
But it was healing because of those births. Of the business of dealing with it.

But here's the thing. They weren't our cats.

As it is in apartment complexes, we got word around that the litter was born. That very night the owner came by.
I gently put them in a box and handed the cat and her litter over.
I was sad to see them go. Very sad.

But at the same time..there was so much relief on the owners face, it made me slightly happy. Because I know how it feels to not know where or how my own is doing.


That's the story.

Here's the update.

I will be getting a cat. Actually, my mom has kind of decided that maybe we'll get two cats once the kittens are weened off.
Having two together would give them someone to play with and maybe want to be inside more.
My mom and I also decided that we'd get them fixed right away and train them to be indoor cats. (I am not going through this fear again.)

If you're reading this and wondered about getting one of kittens-its a really good chance I can still get you one.
I mean...9 kittens. Just make sure you let me know and by the time they're weened I can probably get one to you. :)


Other than that. Life is normal again.
But its strange not having a cat.

Except for my 6th and 7th grade years-Ive always had a cat. Whether it was ours or a neighbor cat that visited frequently.
So this the first time in a while I haven't had a live furry animal to pet.

My dad and I talk about how we miss him. How you get so used to waking up to a meow or something that just sometimes you hear it in your mind.

I might sound like a cat lady-but I keep dreaming about my cat.
I think I'm finally coming to peace that he's..gone.
Its hard to think and admit but I know it'll be okay.

Hearts break..everyday. Over a lot of things.
Not just a boy or a girl.

But hearts are reformed and put together again every day too.

They are made stronger.

I know I know I know there is a reason for this.
I know there is.

Maybe I just needed to be sad and broken more a while. Its the only way I can be stronger than I already am.

My heart.

My cat went missing.
Hasn't been home since last Monday.

And until the other night I was fine. Then a thunderstorm blew through and my heart broke.
Some of you may not care, as it is just..a cat
But he was my cat. My baby. This furry black and white thing Ive had since he was born, who acted almost exactly like me.

My heart is breaking. I do not want to accept the truth that he might be gone forever.


But in a truly unexpected way, it is also healing.

This has been one of weeks where my heart is truly shone, where I cry at everything, where I am in just wonder and awe at God's power and how he works through everything.


My cat had a girlfriend.
This black and white cat who roamed the apartment complex.
She got pregnant. Considering she hung out with might cat, we figured it was his doing.

She's been coming to visit us more and more.

Today, she didn't leave our house.
Around 6 pm she went into labor.

And now, at 3:30 am, she is curled up on my bed with 7 newborn kittens.

I saw these kittens being born.

The miracle of birth is astonishing. Whether its a human, chicken, or cat. Its simply amazing.


My heart is healing.


My heart is breaking and healing because of the truth. Because of love, because of God.

And I realize, I know, that sometimes we have to be broken more to heal properly, to work better.


But as astonishing as this truth is, it still hurts.

I know I'll be fine. But now I am in a wandering state of mind.
Broken and healed.
Love.
And with God.

always.

Always with God.

And this post my friends..this is me being fully honest about things. No editing.
No going back and retyping my sentences.

I think it took my heart being more exposed for my truth to shine a little bit brighter.

"Stand up! Stand up!"

On Sundays I tend to miss service from helping with kids church and teaching.

But those lessons and sermons are great.

Sometimes I get lucky and get to talk about some of my favorite stuff.

Like last week was Romans 5:8
"But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us."

And this week (tomorrow) ?

Well. I'll let you figure it out. :D

Video 1
Video 2


Video 3


And because Ive been listening to silly songs all week. And it does go with this particular "lesson" on the video.
Video 4



:D

Just my undivided honesty

I posed this song last night.

I really do love the song. Its a love song really, and that's part of it. But I couldn't stop singing it and realized it was almost a worship song? almost??

In a really kind of..alternative way.

Anyways.

Another friend posted this article about the album the song is on.

A Tour Guide to Anberlin’s CITIES

Dismantle.Repair.

This is, without a doubt, the essential Anberlin song (a title only truly challenged by Readyfuels). I remember my excitement for this song building from the moment I first heard a clip of it on the absolutely incredible teaser trailer for Cities. The morning they posted the whole song online, I got up early before school and listened to it several times in a row on Purevolume, and it instantly became my favorite Anberlin song. I love the fake-outs – the build-up at the end of the first verse that skips the chorus and barrels right into the second verse makes the chorus infinitely more powerful when it finally hits, as does the fake ending after the bridge. I think the lyrics are some of the best that Stephen has ever written, and the introduction of the “patron saint of lost causes” theme brilliantly paves the way for what’s to come with (*Fin). I could gush about this song all day. Its inspiration is Stephen at perhaps his most vulnerable, making this song the best proof that the heart-on-sleeve, “guinea pig experiment” of exposing his inner demons through the lyrics of Cities was one of the most successful and rewarding risks Anberlin have ever taken.

Here is a link to the blog entry that eventually inspired Stephen to write this song, after someone in the comments said it was “great song writing material.” One of the most important single-sentence blog comments ever?

STEPHEN SAYS: “It’s a story about me and one person, but these are several actual characters combined, in real life. It’s about how absolutely crushing words can be. They have the power of life and death. They’re the small rudder of a ship, but they steer it wherever it goes.” ^[2]

“If you told your children, for the rest of their life, how horrible they are, they’re no good, they’ll never make it to college, they’ll never be anything, they’re worthless – you, literally, with your words, could change and devastate their lives. Or you can go home and tell them how proud you are, and how beautiful they are, and tell your wife how good she is. Do you understand how powerful that is? That’s what the song is about – words, and the words that are played into your life, and the words that you play into lives.” ^[2]

“I was blessed with a father who told me that he was proud of me, and that I could do whatever I wanted; that whatever I set my heart to, I needed to go do that.” ^[2]

Reading this song really got me thinking about openness. Willingness to share.
Because in all honesty-my favorite writers and singer-sthey are all about that.

You can hear their life story and read their books, listen to their music and it all correlates. It fits.


For a long time, Ive wanted to be all about honesty. And while I'm better at it than I was five years ago, I still struggle. A lot.
And the thing is-I write. I write here, I write in my journal, my sermon notes. I have pages and books full of songs and poems.

And I want to share them. I want to send these songs to record companies and say "this needs to be sung"

I wouldn't sing it-I know me and being a singer isn't me.
But just sharing the songs-that's still a big part of it.

It still scares me to share my songs and poems and let people know in my way whats going on.

Makes me wonder if I really am honest and open.

Makes me glad that sometimes I don't have to be.

Makes me glad there is so much music that already is.

You dismantle me

I love this song.

One last glance from a taxi cab
Images scar my mind
Four weeks've felt like years
Since your full attention was all mine
The night was young and so were we
Talked about life, God, death, and your family
Didn't want any promises,
Just my undivided honesty, and you said

Oh oh, things are gonna change now for the better
Oh oh, things are gonna change, oh, they're gonna change

I am the patron saint of lost causes
A fraction of who I once believed (change)
only a matter of time
Opinions I would try and rewrite
If life had background music playing your song
I've got to be honest, I tried to escape you
But the orchestra plays on, and they sang

Oh oh, things are gonna change now for the better
Oh oh, things are gonna change

[Chorus 2x]
Hands, like secrets, are the hardest thing to keep from you
Lines and phrases, like knives, your words can cut me through
Dismantle me down (repair)
You dismantle me
You dismantle me

Give me time to prove
Prove I want the rest of yours (prelude)
Call this a prelude to a lifetime of you
It's not that I hang on every word
I hang myself on what you repeat
It's not that I keep hanging on
I'm never letting go

[Chorus 2x]
Hands, like secrets, are the hardest thing to keep from you
Lines and phrases, like knives, your words can cut me through
Dismantle me down (repair)
You dismantle me
You dismantle me

Save me from myself
Save me from myself
Help me save me from myself
Save me from myself

Oh oh, things are gonna change now for the better
Oh oh, things are gonna change

[Chorus 4x]
Hands, like secrets, are the hardest thing to keep from you
Lines and phrases, like knives, your words can cut me through
Dismantle me down (repair)
You dismantle me
You dismantle me

Is that contestant on American Idol a Christian Scorecard

The “Is that contestant on American Idol a Christian? Scorecard”

134. They mention that there favorite snack is ghetto cookies from Vacation Bible School. = +3 points

135. At some point they mention that they wish American Idol was on the PAX channel instead of Fox. = +3 points

136. They mention they are single and might be a “bachelor til the rapture.” = +2 points

To add up your score with over a 130 other ideas on this scorecard, visit stuffchristianslike.net.

Love should be. (Easter is)

It took me years to realize it, but Easter is my favorite holiday.
Not because of chocolate and big dinners or anything.

Because..its about God.
It is spring to me. Its new beginnings. Its right off of Lent where you are giving up something for the bettering of yourself.

Its resurrection. Of course Im one of those people who always confuse in Christmas with Easter.
Because it makes sense. Jesus was born to die for us. The two holidays are linked in that one huge big way.

But I like Easter because Easter is love to me.



And lately its been on my mind what love is and what love isnt.

Because love to me is sacrificial.
It is giving all the time, not necessarily always receiving.
It is giving because of want, not need.

It is forgiving flaws in light of the good, in light of what could be.
Love is unconditional. Always there, always love.

Im studying for a health midterm and in taking about how to be in a good friendship it says "Be altruistic; that is, be generous without expecting anything in return"


Im blown away. Because what doctors and scientists and experts say about love and relationships-all of it-you see Jesus act out in the bible.
We should following Jesus and his examples.

We should be acting out this kind of love.

There is no better day of any year than Easter to realize how much he loved us, why he did, how he did.

He died so that we would have a better life.

Love should be this.

Love should not be depicted by movies and tv: jealous, revengeful, lustful, evil, flip-flopping, infatuated, breakable.
It disgusts me how easily love and relationships are taken for granted.
This things should be for life.

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.
And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love."
1 Corinthians 13:4-8,13