“Some day you will be old enough to start reading fairy tales again.”

"The American idea of love is ridiculous. It's a fantasy, a fairytale. It's based on goals that cannot be achieved and fantasies that don't exist." -Frank Zappa

I grew up on movies made by Disney. It was the era Disney was doing great with those great kid's movies that are classics. So from a young age, I wished for that fairytale romance. For things to work out perfectly with the perfect guy.
It's not possible.
Not the whole finding true love and the perfect guy, that is-the finding it by trying-it doesn't work that way.
I've thought I've found "the one" before. And had my heartbroken badly. My life flipped upside down and twisted and turned many different ways.
And I've gotten to my points of "It'll never happen" and "I hate guys". So many times.

A lot of people I know I have.
But...we shouldn't give up hope.
I mean...fairy tales scare me. Badly.
The whole idea of perfection and having to go through trouble and then ending up with this person that God hand-picked for you. Scares me to death. I always thought there was a hidden reason the movies ended with the wedding and just being with each other and nothing else.
But then ... I really thought about it. And...isn't that what always happens? We live our lives, go through things, change, learn, grow, grow, grow.
And then this person shows up in our lives.
I mean..it hasn't happened to me. Yet. Maybe it has. Maybe I know the guy and mind is too freaked out over my past hurts and other things to really see it.
But that doesn't mean I should give up hope.
Yes, the idea of a fairytale is ridiculous. Crazy. Insane.
whoever created the idea should be put away.

But..it's the best idea ever. True love in it's perfect form with the perfect person. Yes, there are many many imperfections but that's what makes it work.
“Some day you will be old enough to start reading fairy tales again.”-C.S.Lewis.
Lewis didn't write Chronicles of Narnia until his fifties. And didn't marry until after then too.

No shouldn't freak out or give up hope about love and things on that matter and level. But it's hard to do.
But then again...anything that is right is the difficult path. We have to fight for what we love and for what really matters and has better value.

Nineteen.

I was going to blog about something else but my head is too wacko so review of my birthday.=)

Woke up at 6 something. Quick shower, dressed, grabbed stuff, got in car, was very unceremoniously given a camera for my birthday.
Went to train station, bought ticket, got on, rode up to Fullerton. The lady that sat next to me was kind of worried about rain. Heh. I took pictures of the shoreline.
Got to Fullerton, rode the bus with tom to his place where we ate breakfast,fed his dogs, and watched an episode of Red v. Blue before leaving.
Rode the bus to Disneyland while listening to interesting songs he had and then got in line, got our tickets. I got a button that said it was my birthday. Lolz.
Walked to Tomorrowland and got on Star Tours, then went to Space Mountain, then decided to drive cars in Autotpia after being blinded. Haha.
Then walked over to Adventureland and got on Junge Cruise, where we got more excited about the ducks in the water than anything, then went on Indiana Jones. I ducked my head only when we passed the snake. Then had ptty break and ran through Tarzan's Treehouse before eating.
Ate lunch and taled, went to Pirates o The Caribbean. must say-the remoleded is so good. i love the new additions. Then went over to Haunted Mansion and then to Pirates Lair on Tom Sawyer Island where we lots of fun running away on bridges and through caves and taking pictures of ducks and ourselves being goofy.
Ended the day with Splash Mountain where there was three other people with birthday buttons behind us in line. I got soaked, Tom got wet but over it as soon as he knew his iPod and book were okay.
Found an ATM, bought a churro for me and for Tom and then he bought me a deck of cards on the way out. Got on the bus where he got off at his stop to get stuff for school and I rode to the train station, bought my ticket and texted Julie.
Got to home train station around seven, changed my clothes, bought BK fries, then picked up by mom.
Went home, got refreshed and went out to dinner at coco's across the street and came home and did online stuffs.
Heh.
Well, that was it.
It was...fun.Interesting. Amazing. Strange.

It was the best birthday I've had yet.
And now...off to be somewhat of an adult.

Let the rain fall down and wake my dreams

Make fun of me if you want-But I love this song. (Love the whole album but lost it forever ago)

Come Clean-Hilary Duff

Let's go back
Back to the beginning
Back to when the earth, the sun, the stars all aligned

'Cause perfect didn't feel so perfect
Trying to fit a square into a circle
was my life
I defy

[Chorus:]
Let the rain fall down
And wake my dreams
Let it wash away
My sanity
'Cause I wanna feel the thunder
I wanna scream
Let the rain fall down
I'm coming clean, I'm coming clean

I'm shedding
Shedding every color
Trying to find a pigment of truth
Beneath my skin

'Cause different
Doesn't feel so different
And going out is better
Then always staying in
Feel the wind

[Chorus]

I'm coming clean
Let the rain fall
Let the rain fall
I'm coming...

[Chorus x2]

Let's go back
Back to the beginning

This song speaks to me.
It just does. Becoming clean after whatever, just letting the rain fall down and nothing else.
I love it.

Every day of your life, you change the world.

"Every day of your life, you change the world. Absolutely, yes, we're out to change the world. I mean, you change it whether you like it or not. You wake up and you talk to the grocer. You either kick your dog or you pet him. There's a million decisions you have every day where you change the world."-Jon Foreman

I need to write.
But I'm jittery. Thinking about lots of things but jumping between them and not sticking to one thought.
I'm hoping writing will calm me done and let me sleep.
If i can sleep on the right schedule I can wake up and do what I need to.
Supposedly. Allegedly. Easier said than done sorta thing.

I'm really tired of thinking and not doing. I'm good at it and that scares me. want to get better at doing things. Not for myself or to make my parents have a better view of me or even for my friends or those how look up to me and at what I do.
But for God.
No I don't know exactly what he has planned for my life but i know it'll be big and that in involves doing things; living life. Changing the world.
Or at least a person.

I love winter sure. But I'm tired of being cooped up. f feeling like my depression might slip back in and take full force like it did my junior yr. My scary year. I know I freaked out a lot of people. In truth, I freaked out myself. So I didn't think about what I was doing. I just went with it.

I'm almost nineteen now. Things should be way different. I can't tell if they are. I rely on those around me and their words. I have to trust. I have issues with trust.
It's taken me this long to trust God with my life and heart and mind.
Yet I'm open to talking about what's going on in my life, even if there are things I don't want to talk or think about, let alone touch the topic of.
So complex and weird.

Okay me and my cat are off to read more about Bilbo and Gandalf and those dwarves. After Bilbo gets away Gollum.
LOTR makes a lot more sense when you've read The Hobbit.

Where can you run to escape from yourself?

I haven't heard Dare You To Move in a long time. And very early this morning it played on the radio. On a non-christian station which made me smile. Buts it powerful words took a hold of me.

Maybe redemption has stories to tell
Maybe forgiveness is right where you fell
Where can you run to escape from yourself?
Where you gonna go?
Where you gonna go?
Salvation is here

Where are we gonna go?
We can run and run from ourselves but there's sinful nature right in us. And sure we can be busy, occupied, but you never ever ignore yourself.
But we're lucky enough to have God. right there. With his salvation and mercy and forgiveness and abundant love.

Maybe forgiveness is right where you fell

So maybe, even in those valleys of that life walk we all have, it's not that bad.When we sit in that dark low place where we can't even see the sun or feel warmth, it doesn't mean we need to dig out a little hole and hide from ourselves.

I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
Like today never happened
Today never happened before

Today is a new chance. A new day. The past is past. Let it go. Get up and move beyond the sin and dirtiness we sit and wait in.
god's given us what we need. Now it's our turn to move and seek him and do his work.

Salvation is here

I should have written.

You know when you get into a thinking mood and want to write? DO IT.
I constantly get in those moods and pout it off-for whatever reason-tired, no time, no access to blog or journal.
And know my head hurts. Maybe its just this week. I've been thinking about so much lately and it's just all mushed together now. And I'm now I'm on a jury spending all day at court and doing that stuff.
My head hurts.
I haven't felt good-not in the physical sense but in my emotional and spiritual and mental sense.
I always do that. I do the thing I need to -put god and my spiritual walk first and if it lacks at all the rest seems to follow.
These are definitely the days I look forward to being over with. Its the knowing something good will happen, you're just too low in the valley to see the sun rising over the hill.
Too lost in darkness to see the light.
Too lost in your own sin to see the truth and the right way.

I need to rant in someway but I truly dont have the energy. I'll have a clearer head when the weekend comes.