A Time for Joy, Peace, and Love

Merry Christmas.

What a phrase. What a day. What a meaning it's taken into todays world. So many kids grow up hearing about Santa and getting presents. Some get it all. Some get next to nothing. And less and less we hear the real story. WHY today is celebrated.
It's Jesus's Birthday. Anybody who's been to church just once knows that. And we celebrate because he is still alive. But more than that- because of what him being born did.
Here's how I see it--He lived to die.

Truly and really. He was born to a virgin--a virgin-- and led a perfect life. And then-Died for the sins of everybody else who had lived, was living, would live. He had none of his own and took on our own.

And what do we give back? Nothing sometimes. Sometimes Christmas becomes about the presents, the greed, the want, the selfishness, the stress.
And really that's not what its about at all.
It's about the joy we have and can experience. the freedom he gave us to be able to sin but still be with him when we repent. About the unfailing, unconditional, unselfish love that he pours into us day after day after day.

And as much as even i see it, the stress of times do get to me. And I just wish and pray so hard I could just shush my mind, my ever changing feelings and hear what god has to say.

This is a time of worship. Of celebration of the greatest person who ever lived-and still does live.
This is a time to just lay it all down, despite our circumstances-good or bad. He loves us.
No matter what.
Even if we ourselves are mad or angry or disgusted or sad or whatever with ourselves or friends or family- he loves us all equally. And more and more. Never less. always more.

Maybe we just need to remember that. That whole base of it. Why Christmas is here. because God loves us. So much. How much? He let his only son die. The most powerful, most high, God...let his son die so we could be with him.


So no matter how stressed or depressed or angry or whatever you are, just remember that.
Remember why. And lay it down at his feet.

Merry CHRISTmas everybody

An adult? Me? (Living Is Simple)

I've spent the past few weeks denying to everyone that I'm adult, brushing off compliments and comments.
Mainly because I don't feel like it. The only adult thing I see about myself is the finishing of HS and being in College.
Other than that? I still depend on my parents and everything else that goes with being a teenager.
but I've also let myself be a teenager. I forgot for really bad moments that I should be relying on facts and on God and just..bad timing for getting emotional about something.
The more I look at it or think about it, letting emotions rule is horrible.
Especially anger. And the things that go with it.
Maybe, back before, I could not think and use it to cover my sadness or loneliness or whatever, and use it in some way. But now? It just feels horrible, eating me up inside and causing actions that I regret and make me feel like Ive some kind of hangover the next day.
I am the kind of person that, in high school, learned the lessons after the huge mistake. More and more I've done better, grown up, but times like these, When I slip the slightest, it never feels good.

Geez, is this what being a teenager was? One emotion from one thing..that sends you into a chain or reactions that are emotions and feelings? I want to say I'm so over that and past it, but it even just sounds teenagery.

But the truth is, I am ready to let it go and I am past it. It's scary to look back and let go of things, to just grow up and not see it until people say something, but it's happening. To all of us.

at some point a while ago in the whole of me turning my life around, I realized how certain things in the past wouldv'e have been drama that I would walk away from and how now It's just life I deal with daily.
When and how did that happen? Why do we never notice ourselves growing up? Yet the group of friends at church and school, the family you see a couple times a year, they can't get over it.
But us ourselves, we wish and wish to grow up, to leave a place we are, and we never realize how much we've changed in the past month or few weeks.

Life is simple. God intended it that way. Gave us everything we need (Him) and gave us the free will to choose what we wanted out of our options.
Life simple and should be that way. We should be able to just rest on the facts and God's truth and trust him wholly. To be able to get mad or sad or whatever for 10 minutes, say "I'm sorry" and let it go.
But feelings do exist and get in the way, and we have drama and consequences to stupid actions.
And maybe, is we can't live completely simple, we should just be adult about it. feelings included, but well-maintained.

But how does the storm start in the first place?

This idea is just one blip in a thought process that's been with me for a few weeks.

I've been going through some stuff but let myself be distracted by holidays and school and other enough to not notice it.
But last night..I broke down.

And then today, I thought about storms.
About how everybody gets caught in life storms and most of the time we call to God to pull us out. And while we wait, while we "tread water", we rationalize why we are in this storm. Life circumstances, a test from God, something small. And it's true. Sometimes we're just in there for true reasons and we really on, as we should, the facts and the truth. It wasn't us. The storm itself pulled us in.

But me? It was different this time. I was okay earlier this year, with my Grandpa dieing and my best friends fighting. With school and people having jobs. That storm I more or less understood. I could not help what had happened and was trying to lessen it.
But this time?
I cast myself into.
I got angry and in an instant, it turned into blind rage. It turned into, this, this, and this is your fault. I dont care what I said six months ago.
So what to do? Who to be angry at for being in this storm? For having to deal with this crap?
God forbid I be angry at myself, make myself feel worse. No, it can't be rationalized like that. I got angry at God.
And I tried not to.
I hate being lukewarm with him or being like the ultra-teen I was at 17, going between love and hate every other day.
And I love God, I do but....it's not not hard to get angry at the person you love and trust most in this universe.
So I sat in my storm and got angry at the one who can save me.
And just one day made me feel worse. For who do pray to, depend on, vent to, when you've pushed away the most important one to you?

It reminds me of Greek myths. Don't curse the sea God when you're on a ship trying to get back home.
Don't bite the hand that feeds you.
We all do it. have done it. Gotten angry at the parent, our significant other, best friend, and even God.

I feel like Peter doubting his faith after Jesus is killed, denying him, and then being horrified when he remembers what exactly Jesus told him at dinner.
You don't want it to happen and say you will do everything in your power not to hurt that person but in the end, we all do it.
Its more seen in the teens couples who just know they'll be together forever. And they love each other. And its cute and deep and wonderful for those together for a long time with no cheating. But in reality.most of these relationships don't last. I've been in one where I let go of the fear to not say "forever" and "always" and I love you within the first couple of months. And it was great, till it ended. Till I knew it wasn't right. Those to me are the worst.
To promise and swear to someone you will never ever hurt them and then end up saying sorry ten times later on.
So why do we throw ourselves into these storms that come out of nowhere? Make promises we can't keep?
Maybe it's because we are human. God does not expect perfection out of us. He knows we get md and sad and distracted, but t still hurts him when we sit there and don't acknoledge him.
He knew Peter would deny him.
He knew I'd get mad at him.
He knows our prayers before they are said, circumstances before they are created.

But as often s..when I am treading water and cannot find the boat, cannot find salvation to cling to, God shows me a verse, a song.

something old.

It's hard for me to let go of things. Easier than the rest of my family, I'm not as much as a pack rat as it seems around my house but...sometimes remembering the past that much can turn out to be....not so good.
I mean, the other day, realized there are good things. I value the past, i see what effect it has on present day. Sometimes people find me ..strange for that. Like I remember in ninth grade-World History-tearing up at the pictures of the Holocaust and the Atomic bomb being dropped on Japan. I just w rote a paper on the Salem Witch Trials and I was so sad and riled up about how unfair, how crazy it was.
Even the smallest decision can have the biggest impact. I'm not even talking about ho much it would affect America or the world if something hadn't happened-but what about your life you know? If hadn't gone with my last ex I would be a year single instead of just 6 months. If i had quit Orchestra for good after fifth grade-no cello, then what? Would I have done choir for years or just fallen into my bad habits earlier?

But sometimes, it's not a good thing. For a long time in my family, it was just being a pack rat. A garage you cant park your car in because its filled with old cloths, files cabinets, boxes of memories, bikes that arnt used. a house filled with bookshelves that never have extra room, a computer desk that has piles of cds.
But later in life it becomes more-specifically, letting go of the past.
To make it understandable, it's like having to forget an old boyfriend who turned out to be not so great. You've broken up, there is hurt, resentment, anger, sadness. You want to forget it, let it go, move on with your life...but you can't. Not right away. There's the whole grieving time, then the getting over it and finally moving on-weather or not that brings a new boyfriend or just being single. But sometimes-it's not even that easy. Sometimes multiples events make one bigger than it was, making the process of letting go longer-having to deal with every little part of it-remembering the past-every part-even when you can't-and then..........just letting it go.
Not forgetting it. There are certain things we can never forget.We have battle scars that show we survived these things. But even when you get to the root of it, you feel like you can't face it.
It's in our past so why can't we just face it and let it go?
Maybe because we put time and care into it. Even if the thing you have to let it go, in the overall, was just a blip, this tiny thing compared to all else you've done, there was time in it.
And it's hard to let g f or give anything tat you've cared for. Sometimes its not our choice. Sometimes its the people in our lives who pass away or even just walk away and leave hurt. Sometimes yis you having to ake te first difficult step and walk away.
But then there are thins where it's all you. giving up a diary full of emotion and hurt. Leaving a friend ho brings you down. Leaving a goodrelationship because you know it's wrong and you need to be on your own. In the end, we all know it's the best thing to do.

In the end, we console ourselves with facts and truth that should rule our lives.
But we spend a helluva time being emotional and just learning how to let it go.