"Are the details in the fabric?"

Currently: winding down from a long week.

If it’s a broken part replace it
If it’s a broken arm then brace it
If it’s a broken heart then face it

Hold your own, know your name, and go your own way
And everything will be fine
Details in the Fabric-Jason Mraz w James Morrison

School started Monday.
Im tired.
I only have class two days a week but Im already exhausted. Spose it doesnt help I have other online classes? Maybe...
Heh. Its been a busy week.
French class is interesting. We've only learned the basic stuff like greetings and names and numbers but Im getting it. Slowly. But I am getting it.
I like my Statistics class. My teacher is a fun guy. For our first project we have to [play online yahtzee. heh.
Fun fun.
Of course the funny thing to me is that he suggested this like canadian site for seniors. But whatever.
I had to download Quicktime for my online history class. In fact, I need to do some of that stuff either tonight or tomorrow.

And other than school? Well, on Tuesday I had a leader meeting at church for childrens ministry that went well and I got to say hi to the youth as I was leaving.

Wednesday I went and hung with a friend-watched a movie and then went our for lunch. Then went back to that part of the county for a job interview and then went back close to home for a Rush of Fools concert.
The interview-the talking part was good. But then I kind of bombed the test. But I had this feeling like half-way through like I knew God didnt want me there. Im frustrated at having no job but am trusting in God and his plans for me right now.
The concert-really good. One of those lesser known small christian bands that does more christian rock type stuff. But it was nice. In fact, I need to edit those photos on photobucket and then add them to facebook. Editing is such crap. Why it gotta take so long? Meh. lol
Today I went to the library again and got some books and cds.
And then went to church to hang with my friend for a bit. Hopefully seeign her again in a couple weekends.

Okay I know, no insightful deep thoughts on this blog. Im super busy. Less stressed, but busy.
Although, still having really weird freaky dreams.
Im this close to blaming the heat wave.

But I have felt weird. Like totally exhausted and spent but ready for adventure and change. This is cliche, but I can feel it on the winds.

Change is the only constant. So instead of fearing it and fighting, I am trusting in it to happen, and then seeing what I'll do once it gets here, y'know?

Well, Im off. Its just past midnight and I have stuff to do tomorrow. Even if it is Saturday.

"embrace the stress!"

*Note: Thank you jenn for commenting my fbook status. It is the title of this blog entry.*

School starts on Monday.
I got my books today. (Okay-right now Im looking at Half.com and other sites to see if I cant find them any cheaper and then return the ones I got.)

I'm 90% ready for school. As in, Im signed in on my classes, I have books, I have pencils and papers and pens and folders and such.

But it has occurred to me this week that my stress is setting in.

So Id thought I would outline what symptoms of stress I've had.

Effects of stress ...
... On your body	... On your thoughts and feelings	... On your behavior
Headache Back pain Chest pain Heart disease Heart palpitations High blood pressure Decreased immunity Stomach upset Sleep problems	Anxiety Restlessness Worrying Irritability Depression Sadness Anger Feeling insecure Lack of focus Burnout Forgetfulness	Overeating Undereating Angry outbursts Drug or alcohol abuse Increased smoking Social withdrawal Crying spells Relationship conflicts

Of that list I have
Upset Stomach
Sleep problems (At first it over sleeping and then last night, barely any sleep)
A lot of the feelings category (But seriously-I'm a girl. Ive got all of those all the time)
and crying spells.

And then I had a teacher tell us once that cleaning is a symptom. I usually get that onee, but not know. Maybe around Finals time my room will be spotless. =P

The only symptom I cant find online is dreams.

I've been having some pretty freaky dreams. I should write them down. Or start to, cause Ive forgotten half of the ones I had. But its always those weird feelings that came with the dreams that stick. Heh.

But I'll be fine.

I'm glad school is starting soon, because it means that much sooner that my stress will fade away. Or at least, I'll notice it less....

heheh.

Okay, off to enjoy the last weekend of summer.

Fall Semester Classes

For anybody who's asked me what Im taking.

Tues and Thurs:
8-10 am ~ French 101
3:30-4:45 pm ~ Statistics

Online
History of England
Music Fundamentals

The music class doesnt even start till Sept 8. Two weeks after the semester starts. Im kind of expecting and hoping that class to be the easy A since I know a heck a lot about music already. Comes with playing an instrument since fourth grade.

I'm excited for French. I really really am.

This is my heart. This is me.

Currently: listening to Skillet.

I really truly have been meaning to blog for a whole week. But of course, by the time I was ready to, the weekend had come and I have wonderful friends who let me sleep over at there place(s) and we had fun times.

I need to go back and address something I blogged about in vagueness. Was it...2 posts ago? I said I felt disgusted. I wont give details, but something I realized something soon after.
I dont love in the right away.
I joke that I "show my love through abuse" but sometimes I do love too hard. I do hurt the ones I care for more in certain ways. But sometimes, my idea of love gets...weird (or something).
Once I had been talking to a friend after recently dumping another boyfriend and we got onto the idea of "There's always other fish in the sea". I made the joke "Yes, but I need someone to keep me from the forbidden zone". He laughed and agreed.

But something that's been on my mind-God gave us this simple little task of loving everybody. Everybody. Our family, friends, neighbors, enemies.
and really. It is simple. But somewhere down the road, it gets hard. Is it because of how we care? How much? How little?
When you love someone, you care, you get involved. And sometimes, like with the people we don't like, we don't want to care. But liking isn't loving. There are definitely days I don't like someone, but deep down I still love and care for them.

I kept thinking about this, I kept asking god "Show me how to love like you have loved me. show me how to love the right way." But I still felt as if he was telling me to wait. And then I got to hear him again when I remembered something.

A lot of people have asked me if Im going to be a nurse. And I'm not. As much as I care for people and have the heart, Im not a medical or science person. But people always mention that I have the heart. And that same kind of heart is involved with kids. So maybe it surprised me when I realized I really love the youth and kids at church, but nobody else was that I saw.

Ive always kind of hated being that girl with my heart on my sleeve. Ive gotten criticism about it and hate crying outwardly a lot. But then God reminded me "I made you this way. To show and share your emotions. You are human and I made you specifically to be this way. Be you who are, not something else."

And I remembered, that same outward heart is the heart that falls in love with music daily, that helps me write songs and poems and helps sympathize and listen to all my friends. So, yes, it sucks when I get my heart broken, but who wouldn't want to fall in love?
Its who I am, and its time I stopped running from the acceptance of "This is who I am".

I never write or admit things to other people until I admit them to myself. And sometimes that takes a while. But this is who I am. I'm not going to try and be anybody else. Cause everything I have, my little world has crumbled. And my world in gods hand and under me being myself, its flourishing.

"Show me how to love like you have loved me"

Currently: loving life.

I never realize how many people's twitters I follow, how many facebook friends I have, and (and not excluded to) how many blogs I follow and read until I spend a weekend away from the computer to go and clear my head.

It makes me laugh. But those weekends make my life sometimes.

What did I do this weekend? Went to a friends house to help babysit and among the little bit of babysitting I did do, there was so much more. Making scones and tea and watching Mama Mia.
Sit by a swimming pool. Got propsed to by a 5-year old. Indulge in my true nerdness and talk for a long time with people about Twilight, Comic-Con, and Firefly (Furturistic science fiction show. Its really-I love it now. Heh). Im sure there was more. Talk about boys and relationships. Go to a new church and feel my heart burst at the kind of worship Ive missed and a sermon I needed to hear. In fact, there were times while I was just watching my friend's kids and heard God tell me things that I needed to hear and knew I wouldnt have realized them on my own at home. And we also went to the beach. And had greek food.

I'm happy. I left here Friday feeling just annoyed and disgusted with things (partly myself) and within hours I was crying from laughter. I cant tell you how much every person in my life means to me.
I know God puts them there for a reason. And Im beyond thankful that he does what he does.

I cant wrap up my life right now in words. Only God could define it.

Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like you have loved me
Break my heart for what is yours
Everything I am for your kingdom's cause
As I walk from earth into eternity
Hosanna, hosanna
Hosanna in the highest
Hosanna-Hillsong

"Im so sick"

Currently: feeling generally weird, gross, and disgusted.

I'm so sick
Infected with where I live
Let me live without this
Empty bliss, selfishness
I'm so
I'm so sick
I'm so
I'm so sick
I'm So Sick - Flyleaf

I hate sin. I hate how it creeps up on you in the worst ways sometimes and leaves you feeling generally just nasty.
I can't say anything more than I know I havent been the best person.

And I feel weird cause I feel gross about myself but happy about seeing friends and getting out of my own ahead right now.

Things will be better.
God is with me always.

I just wish I didnt have to remind myself so much in such gross personal times.

Enjoy my inability to sleep

Currently:wondering if I should shower now or try and sleep for an hour or so before church.

I do not like rap or hip-hop. Well, esp the new stuff. If you play like classic hip-hop from like the 80s, then maybe I can get into it (saw The Proposal last night-had "it takes two to make a thing go right" stuck in my head all night long thank you).

But anyway. Im not one to dance and get into rap and all that dumb stuff. Sometimes I can get into beats but other than that, I hate what they talk about.

My point? This song and this song are two of my favorite songs.

Kaye West's Jesus Walks mainly because I dunno, its just nice to hear and remember, yea, he's walking with me and I need him.
I love that song. Dont necessarily like the artist but his music is crazy good.

And Tobymac's Irene. Funny story. I used to babysit for this woman who's husband was ina wheelchair and they had two sons. they went to a lot of football games so I usually got 5 hours of babysitting each time. The older son would fall asleep to this song on repea. I didnt know the name of it, but I had the words memorized after my third time there.

Went to youth convention 06 and they had tobyMac. I was sitting down, chilling. Did not know this artist, but then he started to sing this song and I got all uber-excited.
Its jsut funny cause he's like christian hip-hop or something and I dont listen to anything else closely related to him most of the time.

And I like the line "You got to reach up to touch rock bottom
The powers that be keep you downtrodden
Daughter of Zion, I heard your prayers"

Fun Fact: Im watching the video for this song for the first time. fun stuff.


Alright. Thats all. Now to see how much coffee I'll need to stay awake today.