This is my heart. This is me.

Currently: listening to Skillet.

I really truly have been meaning to blog for a whole week. But of course, by the time I was ready to, the weekend had come and I have wonderful friends who let me sleep over at there place(s) and we had fun times.

I need to go back and address something I blogged about in vagueness. Was it...2 posts ago? I said I felt disgusted. I wont give details, but something I realized something soon after.
I dont love in the right away.
I joke that I "show my love through abuse" but sometimes I do love too hard. I do hurt the ones I care for more in certain ways. But sometimes, my idea of love gets...weird (or something).
Once I had been talking to a friend after recently dumping another boyfriend and we got onto the idea of "There's always other fish in the sea". I made the joke "Yes, but I need someone to keep me from the forbidden zone". He laughed and agreed.

But something that's been on my mind-God gave us this simple little task of loving everybody. Everybody. Our family, friends, neighbors, enemies.
and really. It is simple. But somewhere down the road, it gets hard. Is it because of how we care? How much? How little?
When you love someone, you care, you get involved. And sometimes, like with the people we don't like, we don't want to care. But liking isn't loving. There are definitely days I don't like someone, but deep down I still love and care for them.

I kept thinking about this, I kept asking god "Show me how to love like you have loved me. show me how to love the right way." But I still felt as if he was telling me to wait. And then I got to hear him again when I remembered something.

A lot of people have asked me if Im going to be a nurse. And I'm not. As much as I care for people and have the heart, Im not a medical or science person. But people always mention that I have the heart. And that same kind of heart is involved with kids. So maybe it surprised me when I realized I really love the youth and kids at church, but nobody else was that I saw.

Ive always kind of hated being that girl with my heart on my sleeve. Ive gotten criticism about it and hate crying outwardly a lot. But then God reminded me "I made you this way. To show and share your emotions. You are human and I made you specifically to be this way. Be you who are, not something else."

And I remembered, that same outward heart is the heart that falls in love with music daily, that helps me write songs and poems and helps sympathize and listen to all my friends. So, yes, it sucks when I get my heart broken, but who wouldn't want to fall in love?
Its who I am, and its time I stopped running from the acceptance of "This is who I am".

I never write or admit things to other people until I admit them to myself. And sometimes that takes a while. But this is who I am. I'm not going to try and be anybody else. Cause everything I have, my little world has crumbled. And my world in gods hand and under me being myself, its flourishing.