Is this the New Year?

"Don't let New Beginnings end in Old Endings. Here's to new mistakes for with them comes new learning." - Keith Tutt, II

Is this the New Year or just another night?
Is this the new fear or just another fright?
Is this the new tear or just another desperation?

...

It'll be a day like this one
When the world caves in

I'm singing this one like a broken piece of glass
For broken hearts and broken noses in the back
Is this the New Year or just another desperation?

...

Is there nothing left now?
Nothing left to sing
Are there any left who haven't kissed the enemy?
Is this the New Year or just another desperation?
Does justice never find you?
Do the wicked never lose?
Is there any honest song to sing besides these blues?

And nothing is okay
Until the world caves in
Until the world caves in, until the world caves in...
The Blues-Switchfoot


When she's near the new new years here

And there's not a resolution I can't do

When She's Near-Fiction Family

I never *got* new years.
I mean, I get, We've had this Holiday season of thanksgiving and Christmas and good feelings and we'll finish it off by celebrating anew year.

Maybe because its more of a party type holiday.
Me? Im happy sitting here listening to music. I look forward to listening to "The Blues" as the first song of the year.
I look forward to seeing how many books I can read before school resumes.

Not to put new years down.
But I mean-Its not magical to me anymore. I talk to people across the world who are already in tomorrow almost daily.
Its just time passing, moving along.
10 years ago I was nine and news had me thoroughly convinced that the world would end THAT night.
Seriously. I was putting my name on things in ym room and was 100% convinced that I was going to meet God.

Now here I am, looking at the world say the world will end soon.
Again.

...
Really??!?

The world will end when Jesus comes back.
And that day?? Well only God knows when that is.

Im not trying to dump on New Years.
Its great. To go back, see how a year in your life went, hope the net one is better, its great.

2009 was good to me. The last couple years of my life and felt crazy and this year I got this place where I more or less realized who I am and was okay with it, despite everything else.

But I want 2010 to be great.
And Ive realized great amazing things dont start out that way. They come from the normalcy.
They are the stumbled upon things, the things we pass every day waiting to be looked at.
but not just looked at, but really looked upon.

but that? It takes time. Everything in life takes time, and Im fine with it.

As impatient as I get with some things, Im willing to wait.
I know someday great things will happen, and Im willing to sit back and just be me until it comes.

And then a random splattering.

I know I already posted. This is a quick follow-up.

If you haven't noticed-Ive been playing around and editing how my blog looks.

Like changing the top graphic and adding a blogroll (tried to get the blogs I read most-let me know if you want on and arnt there!)
I kind of want someone to change it even more for me. But we'll see.

for those of who who read this on facebook-I have it set up where I post on my blogspot and then facebook just automatically transfers it over to note form. (The link is belovedcellist.blogspot.com)

Hm. I dont what else. I thought Id do something productive today and all I really did was edit my blog and look up books online.

I havent even checked the boards yet. urgh. bad bad internet.

In other news-TWO episodes of Glee on tonight!!!

1287 songs on shuffle.

Currently: listening to my mp3. 1287 songs on shuffle. Im on #50. (and yes I skip randomly)

This is my official 100th blog.
Wow.
Its weird being able to keep track of how much I write. In my journal its just "oh, Im just a tad closer to needing a new one"
(Yes I still write in a journal.)

Oh. So next year (which starts Friday) Im doing this thing. theres this site called NaBloPoMo and its for bloggers and you can sign up and then do these things where you write every single day for a month.
I thought about in November and didnt but Im signed up for January.


Im hoping I can do it. (I'll prolly continue signing up until I actually do post every day. Im just a tad bit of a perfectionist that way sometimes.)
Ive been writing a lot more lately and I think it'd be fun to write a little short thing every day outside of my songs and poems and short stories (that I only ever rarely post).


I want to start out this new year...a new way. We'll see what happens right? Heh

Anyways I put my little badge thing on the side there so you can see it.

And..what else? I dont know. I'll try and squeeze in another post before the new year. We'll see. :)

Switchfoot Insomniatica

Currently: listening to bootlegs from my first ever switchfoot concert. :D

For the record, Im not having bad case of insomnia, Im just not tired enough to sleep but being up this late makes me look like Im an insomniatic. (Which Im sure amuses "the aussies" if theyre reading this. I know its your favorite word Emily. :ph34r:)
((I SHOULD be tired. I started cleaning my room today and usually that drains me but I started cleaning it out of frustration and annoyance so Im more just emotionally kind of drained. I mean, cleaning is better than taking it out on someone and getting in trouble with the parents. Its productive too!))
(((Im not even sure what the title of this blog is supposed to mean. blame it on the insomnia? Hehe...)))

Heeeeeerrrrrrreeeeeeeesssss the thing. I got an mp3 for Christmas.
My parents researched and its a Sony 8gig, which apparently, Sony hasnt made great ones before but this one is good.

I mean, its got good sound quality. Heh. Actually its great. Ive just been spoiled by having an iPod once in my life. (And oh do I miss it.)

ANYWAYS. So Ive slept the last couple days putting on music, and tonight I found my old Switchfoot bootlegs. So I put them on and listened. I have all 9 from my first Switchfoot concert.

And not to be a Switchfoot freak, but MEMORIES!

(Who remembers the bootlegs? Amazing! And the letting us pick a song that theyd play at the show we we're going to?? LOVE IT!)

Oh my. The whole Jon saying hi to his hometown, and Keith! Keith played at my first concert!
I keep playing the last two songs over and over cause I can pick out his cello in this songs- I love it.

And then I remembered that this was the O!G. tour. Over two and a half years ago.

And how the O!G. album turned 3 on Saturday. Three years since the last album before HH.

Wow.

It blows my mind all the life that has happened in between and since.

Between my first concert and my last one, which was, epic. I cant put the whole of it into words.

Oh my. I think they play Lonely Nation differently now and daisy never ceases to amaze. Same with learning to breathe.

ohand.

One thing.

Whenever I play "Sing It Out" it always reminds of the stuff played between the songs. And I listen to these 9 songs and I hear it. I hear the beginning glimpses of what the guys were going through. What HH became, what future albums might become y'know?

This band..you go back and you see it. You see how theyve grown from these 3 college kids trying to make an album to a five-piece band of great down-to-earth people who do so so sooooo many great things.

It leaves me in awe.

It left me in awe at my first concert, and 5 years and 3 days after getting my album by them, it still leaves me in awe.

I think what I love most though, is that this is NOT the last time I feel like this. I'll dig out an album of theirs, a song, a poster, pictures, SOMETHING, and be reminded once again.

I love this band. <3

I like today. I like it every single year.

Currently: listening to Relient K's "Let It Snow Baby...Let It Reindeer"

I just realized Iv never been on a sleigh ride. *adds to bucket list*
(I dont have an actual list just mental one of things Ive wanted to since I was 5, 10, 15 years old.)

You would think, with how I had a white Christmas in Oregon, last year, it would have happened. but no.
Oh wells.

*takes momentary break to rock out to "12 Days of Christmas"*

*ahem* Okay now. Oh speaking of ages, divisible by 5, I like today.

Why?

Well..its 2 days to Christmas, and exactly two months to my birthday.
I feel slightly odd about it, just because ever since I turned 18, birthday have been different and this next year I exit my teenage years.

Thats right, I only have two months left to let my behavior be blamed on my young age.
Heh. Young age. I feel old. But I talk to/hang out with people anywhere from 2 years younger to 10 or more years younger than me almost daily. So, my fault right? Yea yea...

I just always found today to be an interesting day in my life. Its never really bad but nothing epically good happens to make it stand out. Its just this good day in my life. Honest, I think sometimes I look more forward to it than Christmas sometimes.

Wow. I turn 20 in two months and 2010 starts in a matter of days. Where has time gone? WOW.

Ah. Okay. Sorry if you get annoyed with my random posting. Ive felt like writing alot and if I post a couple more times in the next few days, I'll hit my 100th post. Heck. I could hit 100 just for this year if I started double posting. Heh.

(in 2008 I had six posts or something. Whatev.)

Kidding. Would not do that to you. Clog up your blogger feeds. Its just mean.

*sings Im Gettin Nuttin' For Christmas*

(For some reason..I would find it HIGHlarious if I actually sang that song and got nothing for Christmas...)

Merry Christmas all!!! :D

"Well I'm getting nuttin' for Christmas because I contributed to the green-house effect which melts the Polar Ice Caps which melts the North Pole where Santa Clause lives. He's mad."

Is this just another trend or? What?

Currently: feeling off kilter. And I have Relient K's "This Week The Trend" stuck in my head (haven't listened to it in MONTHS btw...)

Facebook is funny. Its one of things that starts with good intentions and purposes.
Connect with family and friends from your past or from now, this just makes it easier to know whats going on in their life.

I like my facebook. Make fun of me, but i like playing farmville and de-stressing a little bit every day when I harvest something or pretend Im a great farmer. (Ive actually been planting flowers lately, so Im more of a florist I guess...)
I like being able to talk to people in other countries and states I dont get to see.

I dont like what its been reduced to though.

Maybe we just need better etique rules for this generation, what with our cell phones and laptops.

But-Is it not just me? Shouldnt bigger peices of news be told in person?

I mean, I et it if you cant tell the person face-to-face, or if soething like your facebook or myspace is the only way you CAN contact them...

But if someone is relatively close to you. Or was at some point in your life. Shouldn't you at least, make a phone call? A text message at least (although big pieces of news through text can be horribly tacky...) ?

Maybe this is a the trend among my generation (sadly). We let people know about engagements, marriages, career changes, and such all the same way now.

Its like we've lost the touch of talking to people in the face and through personal touch.

The thing is, Im hoping and not hoping its a trend.

Because if it is, trends come and go. Maybe in some years, we'll find a better way to handle this thing.

But if it is, I'll probably get sucked in.

What?

Because yes, I am, with a few too many things, a hypocrite.

Its when I was 8 and said I never be into disney artists. And now still hold in my heart a soft spot for Justin Timberlake.

Its when I was 10 and said Id never be "that kind of teenager". And at 19 look back and wish my junior year I had grown up faster. (Mom/Dad if you're reading this-Im sorry. I know I'll pay till my dieing day for the antics I did and the pain I caused the family that year or two. I love you.)

All this meaning-I hope I dont let everybody in my life know earth-shattering news through facebook first. Id like to tell some of you to your face.

I know its human. We say things. We go back on them. Which is why maybe I learned to not say a lot. Not make definite promises. Life happens. We do things we never really thought we would. We fall in and out of trends and into our own styles.

I want this not to be our lives. For this to be a trend and go away and leave us with a normal "how thing used to be" kind of life.

I should know better. The world has become a constant rotation of different trends.

But that doesnt mean we should we live that way.

Just because we live in this world doesn't mean we're a whole complete part of it forever.

And...passed. :)

Currently: feeling like the last bit of school weight is off my shoulders.

I did it! I not only survived finals week and its craziness but I passed my three classes to boot!!

Ah.

So. Im going to take you through the craziness of the semester.

Semester starts. Taking french, stats, and two online:music and history.
French and stats both on tues/Thurs but at opposite ends of the day, so I was at school all day those days.
Fast-forward to almost mid-terms.
Drop french class.
Why?
As excited as I was to take it, I was learning quickly that It was not my thing. Or maybe it was a combination of the ten million little assignments we had to do I kept passing due to other work and that it was a morning 4-unit class and a hard teacher.
I dont know. But dropped it.

Considered and actually for about 24 hours added another music class after midterms that was shot length.
Had issues with book and it was not worth the hassle. dropped it.
Yes, I could have used the extra units to have health insurance, but its not like I got swine flu this semester.
Im alive.

Fast-forward.
Finals week.
Monday
Online Hist is dued. read Questions, typd up answers, submitted it.
Ended up getting a C in the class(78%! So close!! with a 80% on the final (it was only 10% of the grade...).
Am happy, I mean. I took the class cause I more interested in the History of England itself and I learned a lot. I passed. Yay.

Tuesday. Study study study. I think
I was working on my music final.
Oh. Stats project was due. I had the last paragraph in out group project/report, so stared at emails for a couple hours, typed it up, and sent it off to classmate who was going to drop it school. We got a 49/50 on it. Yay us!

Wednesday
Music final due. Finished it, submitted it, went to a concert to write my report on, came home, typed it up and submitted it.
Got a C in the class (74%). It was those darned quizzes! I got so easily confused on them in the beginning of the semester. OH well.
And even though I passed the class, Im still considering retaking it. But, even if I aced it the second time around, My grade would still average out to a B. Hm. Maybe not? I dunno...

Thursday.
Stats final.
4-5:30am. Studying.
Then slept for a few hours.
Woke up, showered, dressed,ate. studied like a madwoman till I had to be at school.
Took the final. Got an A (90%) on the final and a B(84% I think...) in the class.

NOTE: Do not take Stats think,ing its straight math. Its so much more than that. I will be so happy to go back to regular math after this. Although, I think my requirements are fulfilled and I may not need/have to take another math class...Hm.

Of course, Thursday night is when it all me. I was tired, brain-dead/braindrained and just so so so out of it.
Oh yes, there was me saying random things and jumping up and down for no reason-WHICH included some jingling thanks to my bell earrings. Love them.


Today is my rest day.
Although, Im already thinking about ym own to-do list. Like Christmas stuff, and signing up for spring classes. And I dont know, cleaning my room? HEH.

Ah. I feel so hahhy. For what felt like a topsy-turvy semester, it all turned out alright.

Brainbreak.

Currently: In the middle of finals week.

Okay. I should be finishing my "break" now, but Im not quite ready to get back to wrok so I want to write. But I really have nothing to blog about.

Soooo I shall share this video with you. (No, no. Its not ukulele kid. heh heh)



It was originally posted on this blog.
Well, okay that's where I saw it and everything.
I love it.
Vitamin String Quartet always wins (they did a switchfoot tribute album. yes im plugging switchfoot, leave me alone).

Alright. Back to homework. Or that secret Santa project. Hmmm.

What what? Well, that's interesting

Currently: trying to decide what to wear for my job interview. Eeepa.

Hey you! Look at this. A friend sent me a Christmassy e-mail and in it it explained what the 12 days of Christmas really mean so I thought I'd share it with you all. :)

There is one Christmas Carol that has always baffled me.

What in the world do leaping lords, French hens,

swimming swans, and especially the partridge who won't come out

of the pear tree have to do with Christmas?

This week, I found out.

From 1558 until 1829, Roman Catholics in England were not permitted to practice their faith openly. Someone

during that era wrote this carol as a catechism song for young Catholics.

It has two levels of meaning: the surface meaning plus a hidden meaning known only to members of their church. Each element in the carol has a code word for a religious reality which the children could remember.

-The partridge in a pear tree was Jesus Christ.

-Two turtle doves were the Old and New Testaments.

-Three French hens stood for faith, hope and love.

-The four calling birds were the four gospels of Matthew, Mark, Luke & John.

-The five golden rings recalled the Torah or Law, the first five books of the Old Testament.

-The six geese a-laying stood for the six days of creation.

-Seven swans a-swimming represented the sevenfold gifts of the Holy Spirit--Prophesy, Serving, Teaching, Exhortation, Contribution, Leadership, and Mercy.

-The eight maids-a-milking were the eight beatitudes.

-Nine ladies dancing were the nine fruits of the Holy Spirit--Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness, and Self Control.

-The ten lords a-leaping were the ten commandments.

-The eleven pipers piping stood for the eleven faithful disciples.

-The twelve drummers drumming symbolized the twelve points of belief in the Apostles' Creed.

So there is your history for today. This knowledge was shared with me and I found it interesting and enlightening and now I know how that strange song became a Christmas Carol...so pass it on if you wish.'

Merry (Twelve Days of) Christmas Everyone

Isn't that cool?
Heh

ANDDDDD here's a song to go with.


ALSO. Why does seem everybody is complaining about the rain?
I like the rain. The rain is my friend.

And God knows we need it.

Sheeshers people. Come on. Rain is NOT that bad.

Alright. Time to start to getting ready for my job interview. What??? yes. =)

Good luck charm, fo sho.

Currently: smiling. :) (And replaying the newest episode of Glee on Hulu *sings loudly with song*)

I think the rain is my good luck charm.
Or something like that.

I mean, I have my theories, opinions, thoughts, whatever that whenever it rains, God is in there.
That for me, he's more clear in the rain.

But then-good things happen when it rains.

My life right now?
Tonight and tomorrow Im ushering two school concerts that are essentially my music class finals. I was supposed to go see them and write reports-but ushering gets me full credit. FULL.

FULL CREDIT.
Win.

Also. Decided to randomly apply for a job online today. This company used to send me mail all the time so todya something popped up in my e-mail.
I swear, not even...15, maybe 10 mins, after I hit the submit button. They called me.
And I have a job interview tomorrow.
Im so stoked.

My finals are looking easier and easier and they end this coming Thursday. And then 5 weeks off till Spring Semester.
Im getting things done.

I really think its the rain. It jut washes away crap and I see better, clearer.
Its my little good luck charm.

Ah. Eee.

Oh. And two of my friends come home from college today. SO HAHHY. I miss them muchos.

Ah. Feels like there's more. Im so elated. I love that God has put me in this place in my life.
I mean, a few months back, no. I hated things I had to go through, but now?
Its worth it.
He always makes it worth it.

Ehehe.

Okay. Last thing?
I watch this show called Glee.
Wed night was the last show for a few months.
And they did the song "Dont Rain On My Parade"
(oh my. *giggles* and here im talking about yes please rain. ahaha *giggles madly*)
Anyways.
I love the original Barbara Streisand Funny Girl version, I really do. One of my fav movies right there.
But I cannot stop playing this version.
Watch the episode here.
The song itself is from 24:17 - 27:20 (click the fourth little bracket thingy)

Or I shall paste it here.


Eee.
*sings loudly with*

Okay. Off to wear a black skirt *gaspeth* and white shirt tonight and tomorrow. Woot.

Something in the weather

Currently: happy to see crazy winds and wet ground outside my window. :) Also laughing that at all the songs playing have the word "rain" in them. I didn't make this playlist with that intention.

I think its the rain that proves I'm not a true Californian at heart.
I love it way too much.
I like better than most any other type of weather. (Snow is great -but Ive only experienced it a few times).

Maybe its just cause I see more of God it the rain.
Maybe it inspires me to write more, write better.
Maybe because I'm that much like my dad and it makes me sleep better, puts me more at peace.
Maybe because in my mind, its not the holiday season in So Cal until the rain hits.

I went to lunch with the family yesterday and it hit on the way home that I can wear my jingle bell earrings now that's its December.
Yes jingle bell earrings. I have a pair that are hoops with little bells and a pair of dangly ones with six little bells each.
I love them. Love how I hear them every time I move my head.
(Thank you Walgreen's and your cheap $1 earrings...)

Something about it being Dec 7 and me not being totally Christmas mode is a bit weird.
But the rain sealed that. I feel like listening to Christmas music and wearing socks (yes, wearing socks. I never wear them except for a few days in this month) and wearing crazy things like jingle earrings and hair hings that have bells in them.

There's something in this rainy weather for me most definitely. I love it so.

December. Oh my.

Currently: PROcrastinating. And listening to a schizophrenic playlist (am i the crazy one for picky the music or is it windows media for playing it in the order its playing it in? ...Heh. Whatever)

Its December.
The six-year-old inside me is sad. Why?

Because Im not listening to Christmas music. Not singing about how I want a hippopotamus or a hula-hoop or even... my two-front teeth.
I havent even made a Christmas wish list yet!

Why??
College.
Because in two weeks, I'll be done with finals and my first official semester as a college kid.

but in those weeks I have a test, a project, possible extra credit, two concerts, two reports, lessons, lessons, lessons, and then finally, finals. Heh.

I know I'll do fine. That this is just new to me. Well, not entirely, but partially. Its slightly weird really.

But Im getting the hang of it and surviving and all that's good, right? HEH.

Alright. Just wanted to let you people know in case you think I fell off the earth cause Im not posting or blogging or twittering or facebooking or replying to emails or ...something.

Hehe.

*bunkers back down into the mountain of studying*

I am thankful for

Currently: trying not to eat while smelling the Turkey being cooked. Mmmmm. and listening to this. (Go buy it. Now!)

Happy Thanksgiving All!!
(25 things that...)
I am thankful for
-God. A merciful, loving, forgiving, omniscient God

-My family. A crazy and weird family, but I would go even more insane without them

-My friends. They understand me better than I do sometimes

-My church family. There's a reason I travel at least an hour every Sunday

-My college group. They are crazy people let me tell you, but everybody needs some crazy people in their life.

-My school. To have my world flipped upside down during high school, expectaions taken away, and still be going somewhere that Im happy with, yea.

-My boardies. Its not just the shared love of Switchfoot, but how we connect and understand each other. And having a group of friends at concerts helps. :)

-Weekends. Sleeping in. Yay.

-Having a job. Even when the hours and pay are minimal, its still something to see money in your bank account and buy concert tickets by yourself.

-Switchfoot. The lyrics that I understand and can sing meaning, the amazing talented music, having a cellist at local shows, the concerts with amazing moments, a band of 5 great guys. Thats just the tip of the iceberg people.

-Music. Me live without it? No thank you

-My cello. My wooden baby, the thing I pour my soul into when I play it. Yes.

-My cat. My furry baby. Its not just my love of animals and cats, but the fact that Im lucky enough to have had him his whole life. To have this creature since I was 16 who loves me no matter what.

-Writing. It keeps me sane

-My best friends. If my friends get me, these people make me.

-Love

-Honesty

-Turkey. esp my mom being willing to go and get white turkey just for me. Yay.

-Not being depressed. I been through low moments in my life. Its nice to see the sunny side of things and have to try hard for it.

-Not having to wear shoes most places I go

-having my own room

-Tchaikovsky. His music may give me weird dreams, but it some of my favorite stuff

-hair.

-knowing Im young and have a lifetime to experience things like travel.

-books, reading.

-being the one to take pictures and not be in them most of the time.

Just some independence. A taste, really.

Cureently: has this song stuck in my head. (Maybe I'll be over it by friday. HEHEHE. Okay Corny joke time over...)

This week feels weird.
And it's not JUST because Thanksgiving is tomorrow and I get to see Switchfoot on Friday.
Or that I was sick this weekend and still feel out of it.

My brother was in hospital for two days. Nothing huge or horrible, just had an EEG so the doctors can see how his brain works (and they were trying to induce an seizure. heh) (He's autistic and has seizures. it was scary for a bit but he's much better now)

My parents had to stay with him and I had the apartment to myself for two days.

My mom called and let me know he was in the wing next to the one where I had my back surgery almost 7 years (dude. Im old. Heheheh)

For some reason it made me think independence. When i was in the hospital, my mom stayed the first two nights and my parents came every day but I was alone during the night.
And yes, my brother needed someone in the room with him at all times, but both my parents stayed with him.

Is it because Im older I have more reign to do things?
I mean, except for some major parts of my Junior and Senior year, my parents have essentially always trusted me and let me do things.
I think its in myself that I dont understand how I deserved it. I'm my own worst critic, just knowing how easily it can all be broken.

Maybe its that I can take care of myself where as my brother needs to watched to make sure he's not alone when he seizures.

But my family is home now and all I could think this morning was "wow. I could totally do the whole living alone thing. I mean sure..I could be a little hermity but ... I get stuff done. I can focus on homework, chores. If I get lonely I just IM someone and find a movie / tv show online to watch to feel like other people are talking to me. I could actually do this."

Of course. Its probably different with the added stress of bills and a job and...yea. Heheh.

Final point-Trust and responsibility and all that change once you're 18. You are your own person. Even though I still live with parents and depend on them for shelter and food, I am my own person. The whole independence thing is different when its your own.

(Okay song change. This. and then because I need to hear the original. THIS.)

Well..thats all. Random thoughts from the past couple of days.
Tomorrow? Turkey day!
Friday? SWITCHFOOT
And then three weeks of studying and school and finals.

Weeeee

I thought this was my work hazard. Grr

Currently: attempting to eat. Ehehe. I shouldnt say attempt, Ive actually *been* eating.

I made a joke when I got my babysitting job. That getting sick and being sick and all that fun stuff was my work hazard.

Due to..life..I havent been scheduled to work the past two weeks. And of course, I got sick.

By not working.

Bah. Its mostly just a sinus head cold and kinda flu-ishy and I think its all but gone, but its still annoying.

This morning I had coffee to override the knock-out medicine I took last night. The medicine didnt wear off till noonish and THEN the coffee kicked in. I was like a ADD squirrel afternoon. Just getting distracted by shiny things.

HEHEH.

Eh. I shouldnt complain. Life is good. I mean, Im doing good at school, I do have a job (as irregular and minimal hours as it is), my familys good, my friends rock, I get to see to see Switchfoot this weekend.

Yes, I have sooo so so much to be thankful for this week.

But I hate being sick and it always seems to override everything.
So tired.
But I have homework to do. Meh. heh.

Rambling-bamblings of a tired person.

Currently: happy my mom is home from her vacation.

Hi blog.
Im sorry I havent posted.
I blame my busy life.
Well, not my busy life really, just my lack of motivation after being busy.

You see, cause, yes, homework and school and church and my family and friends and (esp lately) Switchfoot but its more being way too tired and not wanting to sit and do anything that I blame my no posts on and I have been writing in my journal just not here cause i really have been crazy inspired lately and i life run on sentences so this is becoming one and im really really really tired right now.

Heh.

Also. This new Switchfoot video slightly freaks me out.
I mean-I think its just the close up shot of Jon at the beginning. He looks like a creeper.

But other than that I like it. I mean. Romey on accordion?=WIN
And I love seeing all the guys sing with Jon.
I really do love that song.

BTW YOU SHOULD GO THE NEW ALBUM IF YOU HAVENT ALREADY.

Alright. homework time.

I need constant soundtracking

Currently: refreshing twitter and facebook to continually see Mess Of Me stuff. =)

Everyone that knows me, knows I love music. I almsot constantly have it playing.

I love soundtracks. I love making playlists.

But sometimes-it doesnt matter to me unless I can share it with others.

SO.

Musical post here.



First artist up? A continuation from last post-Switchfoot has the new Mess of Me video and I have posted up on the "current" line. Watch the video, rate it, fav it, comment. Please =D
We're really trying to get this video go big within the next 24 hours, and we jsut need some help from where we already have it at.



Second-Zoe Keating.
Now I actually found her on twitter. she's one of those "people you should follow". I think I only followed cause she's a cellist. ANYWAYS.
There are three of her tracks FREE on last.fm
Sun Will Set
Legions (War)
Exurgency

Honestly, exurgency is what made me fall in love and go buy her two albums on amazon. I love her stuff.


Next. Another cellist. Unwoman.
I found her through Zoe Keating on twitter. It was like the other nite she poste her site link so I went. She only has two albums and she sings while playing but holy moly is she good.
I went like two days just listening to her stuff.
http://unwoman.bandcamp.com/
im still debating over what I want to buy from her. there's options
NOTE-her covers of Hurt and House of the Rising Sun are incredible. Her original stuff is awesome too. Im very very into it.



And lastly.
Glee.

Normally, Im not into what the hype is, but I love love love this show. Maybe cause its all musical and reminds me of the kids I hung out with in high school. I dunno.
But I usually watch it on Hulu-depending on the week and if Ive been working or not.

Okay-the next bit may or may not have spoilers. Its mostly just about the songs though.
Last week-Now, Im not a huge Neil Diamond fan.
My mom and brother are.
but this last week? Puck sang "Sweet Caroline"
oooohhh I have a new obsession. Heh.
And the week beofre (or the week before that) Quinn sang "You Just Keep Me Hangin On"
Its really.
Im so amused amazon already has volume 1 of season 1 soundtrack up. They do THAT many songs.

LOVE IT.

Alright. I gotta me some homework done.
You?
You check out the music I posted.

Hello November, Hello Hurricane. Cello Solo.

Currently: really sleepy. and listening to http://unwoman.bandcamp.com/album/the-keys

Okay. So a heads up. this post is mostly about Switchfoot. So run away now if you want.

Lets start with album news, yes?
8 more days. well, 7 days and *looks at clock* 18 minutes. I pre-ordered mine and am hoping it comes early. Even if only by a day.
But, the album is streaming on myspace. I refuse. I paid for the collectors edition set and I am making the day I get special by listening to then, yes I am!!

Although I have been listening to the previews on their site and uhm... *loves*. Seriously.
Ive never been this excited for anything. I want my copy of the album to be here now already.

Concerts. Its annoying how much they play locally and I have to miss. This next Sunday they'll be in El Cajon and I didn't buy tickets before they sold out and I have no way there. boo. And then the 11th they'll be in West Hollywood and the day after they're playing the Jimmy Kimmel show-WHICH I got free tickets to but had to give up cause I have no way there.

Boo. Again.

But I have a ticket to the Anaheim show the day after Thanksgiving. So. I should count my blessings. Heh. (and yes-I want to go the the Ventura show the day after that but-its becoming harder and harder to figure out how i'll do it...)

Hm.What else. I dont know. My life is Switchfoot-packed. Esp this month.

Other than switchfoot??? Well, school. Which I finally caught up on reading today. I think Ill be caught up with everything by the end of this week.
Work-been pretty. Wish I had more hours, but I can only babysit and get paid so much (If you're reading this and have a job for me-TELL ME!!)
Church-love it. It fills my life. Though Im getting an idea of why many people avoid volunteering for multiple things in the church. Heh.

I dont know what else.

Oh. Because it made me giggle.

"What is true love?"

Currently: looking at the computer with blurry eyes.

I know. 2 am. I should be in bed. Heh. I just got home from work.
And I felt the need to ask a question before going to bed.

I had a 4-year old ask me tonight-"What is true love?"


..I had to pause and think before answering her.
I summed it up in "Well do you know what truth is?" "yes" "you know what love is?" "Yes" "Its like really really big huge love and something thats really true put together"

I know. Lame answer.

But I mean-this question came from her and the 2yr old brother watching a barbie Movie, I did not feel motivated to explain the complexities of love. Heh.

But why I am posting this.
Because now I pose that question.

What is your answer to "What is true love?" ? To a 4-year old?

Of Trains, Barbie Dolls, Switchfoot, and more.

Currently: listening to a youtube play list.

So. Story time? Story time. I went to Fullerton on Sunday cause my friend had this extra ticket to go see the play RENT. It was good. I liked it. We had fun being goofs and such. Monday morning-go to train station-but ticket to go home.
Now usually, I just ride Amtrak cause I know the scheadule and its easier. But Metrolink is cheaper.
Metrolink said they had train at that time.
Metrolink lied.
Amy had to call her mom to buy and Amtrak ticket online to get her home cause buying the Metrolink ticket took the last of her money.

Grrr.
I was annoyed. I had that small freak-out moment where I almost cried in public. I hate running out of money.
But all is well I guess.
I really like and love trains and riding them is such but Metrolink is such a pain int he rear-end. Whatever.

So then-Monday night-I had work (yes I know-just babysitting but it is regular and I get paid-i is my my job and work and yes im done defending that word. Heh)
I get there and the little 4-year old wants me to play with her and her barbie dolls.
So I do. So me her and her 2 yr old brother are sitting on their bedroom floor playing with them and Im dressing the barbie dolls cause it bugs the crap out of me when theyre naked. Heh.
And Im getting annoyed.
First off-Barbies pants are low. I dont remember them being low when I had them. And some of the dresses wouldnt only close a certain way in that the plastic boobs were like hanging out or the dress wouldnt close and that irked me. I mean-seriously? What is the message theyre sending??
And the final thing? She had a Belle barbie doll. Very pretty. Loved it. But-why oh why oh why-it was skiiinnnnnnyyyy. Really?
I remember Belle (the character) as this, yes petite, but curvy girl. Beautiful. wanted to be her.
And this doll was almost looking anorexic. Ugh.

I really hate that.
And not just because I'll ever be skinny like that. I like that im bigger and ahve more curves.
Heh. tangents. Moving on.


For those who dont know-Switchfoot has this new album coming out (Hello Hurricane, Nov 10). Ive pre-ordered, listening to recordings and previews of the new songs. Im pamped.(amped+pumped).
They redesigned their site. (Switchfoot.com)
hey put up a Bro-Am pic form this year. that I was at.
Im in that picture.
TWICE.
Heh. Im excited. Im happy.
There's a lot more going on, But Id just direct you to landofbrokenhearts.org and http://www.wereawakening.blogspot.com/ for all of that.=D

Okay-I know I know-long post.
But I havent posted for like two weeks. Heh.

I think though-theyre will be a short post tomorrow. A halloween memory if you will. And next month-well maybe I'll try and post more regurly like I used to. Heh.
Alright. Going to Michaels and then working tonight.
Busy busy life-But a good life!

Class Change

Currently: tired-d. Listening to music

So, I've been slightly sick lately. Mostly a head cold-started with a stuffy nose and now the nose is better but im coughing and feeling not so hot. Anyways, I decided to skip my french class last week. Wasnt too worried-just one class. Well, I woke up this morning feeling not too great again and decided to skip it.

And then I started thinking (since, for some reason, i could not get back to sleep) about dropping my french class. Ive thought about it before, but kept telling myself Id get over the hump and it would get easier.
That was 5 weeks ago.
Now-I still have a the same low percentage in the class and am only doing slightly better. The amount of work is stressful. People in the class who've taken french before say the class is hard. And here I am, a beginner.

so anyway. Maybe it was me being sick, or the fact that its finally raining, something.
I decided to drop to drop the class.
But at the same time I added another online music class so I can keep the 12 credits/units I need for health insurance.
Its a late start that starts next week, and I actually really like late-start condensed classes.

But anyways. I just felt you all should know about my change in school for now.
And now-trying to do a bit more homework and then get myself ready for math class.

C-c-c-changes

Currently: getting slightly frustrated at youtube. bah.

I have slightly big news.


I have a job. (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

It is not sign-spinning (like I started originally looking for), at a grocery store (where my friend wants me to work with her) or even at a fast-food type place (thank goodness).
It is babysitting.

Im like, an official babysitter now. i find that cool for some reason.
Anyway-here's the story. I was online, looking for stuff and found this site, sittercity.com. So I made a profile for child care and pet care and something else and just daily looked at and applied for jobs that people posted.
Well, after a few weeks, I was finally able to find one. For a couple-basically a mom going back to school who just needs someone to watch the kids a couple days a week while she studies and runs errands and such.
Tomorrow I finish my first week there.
I love it. I think I've just had an attachment to kids lately.
And my life this week is filled with them. I've been babysitting and this month Im teaching kids church. And then Saturday I get to hang with the church kids at their Kids convention thing.

I have to tell you-its tiring. Beyond tiring. I want like a whole week to sleep and not worry about kids and homework-but I love it so much. Kids are such a blessing.

Anyways. Not much else-just super busy with school-or more namely, the homework from my classes. But its mostly going well, and Ive fallen into a pretty good routine of managing it all.
Which is better than a couple weeks ago, when I was just plain out stressed and feeling super-depressed.
Im mostly better now.
Been writing in my journal alot, kind of going through my own persona therapy/counseling.

I guess-what else? Went to a concert tonight.Jon Foreman.
ah, so happy. I needed a concert fix. And then there's Switchfoot concerts in November (But at the same time as thanksgiving and my cousin's wedding-oh the busyness!!!)
not much else.=) Just school, work, church, friends, kids, music, and of course God.

I dont think I wouldve gotten through lately without God. =)

I love the rain. And the reminder of rainbows.

Currently:listening to my mom talk, hoping for the wireless to magically pop up.

I love the rain. Now, some of you may wonder where this is coming from-Im in SoCal and it hasnt rained since...springtime.
And around this time we usually get fires and strong winds. But today, there was drizzle..of rain.

Today started out crappy for me. It got better bit by bit with getting to go home to nap and finding I aced mt stats test.
I had to go church for a meeting and spent the whole ride over writing in my journal. I've been doing this almost daily for a few days now and my head is still scrambled with thoughts. Anyways.

I get off and walk the little short couple of blocks from the station to the church and I feel warm wetness fall on me. The clouds are dark. all I could was smile and thank God.

I'm kind of weird from my friends for this. I would love rain all the time where I have friends who get tired of it quickly.
I've heard the metaphor that rain is God crying and its nice imagery, it is. But me? I see it a different way. Maybe its the deep attachment to when I used to talkto my Grandpa on the phone when it rained, I dont know.
I love it.
I love to dance, sing, and just be in it. When it rains, for me, its like God is just there, drenching me in himself. In his promises and dreams and hopes for me. For some, its a sad memory, and sometimes it is, but its one of the greatest things God made too.

I have been...beyond moody lately, and when my mood is swinging low, I wish for rain. I want it. Yearn for it. Sometimes I think I just associate rain with God and when I want rain, I want more of him.
To feel the slightest of rain today made me elated. And before I could look up at say thank you for the rain...I saw a rainbow.
I saw once I was at the church that it was a double-rainbow. But...a rainbow!
I cant remember the last time I saw one. And I will admit, I teared up at the rainbow.

Life hasnt been great lately in personal areas and to see a rainbow, to see something that God gave as a promise years ago, it felt personal. Like God has this divine appointment for me to be out of the house tonight, to see that it'll be okay.

But the thing about the rain tonight-It did not feel like September rain. It was like summer rain. Heavy and humid and you feel every little bit of it. Like God was just hanging in every atom where the rain was.
I was able to visit my old youth group for a bit tonight and hear the sermon and when I left-all I could think was how the sermon had been the like the rain earlier. The atmosphere was heavy and full-God in every moment and every word and heavy on every heart.

I love the rain. And God's presence in it.
And im glad, that with rain, there is the reminder of rainbows.=)

"Can your heart bend this much without breaking, "

Monday comes, when or where do you run to find a second start?
Where do you go when you're broken, alone, and Friday falls apart?
Yeah, yeah
All these questions are leaving her shaking
Can you be two girls in one?
Can your heart bend this much without breaking,
And you know that you know, and you can never have it both ways
Monday Comes Around-Switchfoot

Currently: listening to nothing. weird

I havent been meaning to not write. And its not even like Im super duper busy like I was a couple weeks ago.

so let me explain. I dont like to lie. And I can lie to myself much easier than anybody else.
I like be ing honest and being a truthful person and telling people the truth.
So Ive made my own personal policy of just admitting truths to myself before really saying or admitting them to anybody else.

With some things, it takes a while.
and I guess you could say Im going through some personal stuff that is just taking a while to get through and admit to myself. Im not quite ready to share it with the world quite yet.

Some of you may know what it is due to me hinting about it. So, I guess I just ask for prayer. I've been praying and thinking about things a lot and am not taking somewhat of a mental break.

I wish I could say more, but I cant.
Am off now to do housework thats been avoided. heheh.

But I am ALWAYS yours

this is the start
this is your heart
this is the day you were born
this is the sun
these are your lungs
this is the day you were born

and I am always yours 


these are the scars
deep in your heart
this is the place you were born
this is the hole
where most of your soul
comes ripping out
from the places you've been torn 


and it is always yours
but I am always yours

hallelujah!
I'm caving in
hallelujah!
I'm in love again
hallelujah!
I'm a wretched man
hallelujah!
every breath is a second chance

and it is always yours
and I am always yours 


video source
lyric source

I love babysitting. And community college.

Most of the time.

I'm gonna be Rory Gilmore and pro/con list it.

Win of CC
-Seeing old classmates-Not just from high school-but Elementary! Just goes to show how much Ive changed in the last ten or so years.
-Unlimited computer time-I Heart the computer lab. I'm at the school all day with nothing to do between classes except homework and I just get to sit there and work on homework and such. ANNNDDDD they have Macs. Ive only used it once considering they're usually being used, but omgosh, I know what kind of laptop I want (Not that it was ever a question-but still)
-Free food-Okay this only actually happens on Thursdays but Im at school Tues and Thurs and okay, so, maybe it was only a hotdog, but Im a college student with no job and little money and THANK YOU!
-Pretty campus-I know, I should be like studying and such, but last Thursday I went outside to read my book before class cause I was tired of being inside. Oceanside, CA-gorgeous. (That is, until the SoCal fires hit)
-Awesome teachers-Okay, so I only see tow of them, but my Stats teacher is just...awesome. He makes it interesting and we get some funny story at least once a day. I never notice the time until class is almost over.
-Stress -causing me to clean my room. I mean like, my laundry is all done and room is vacuumed, clothes hanging, stuff in right places. love it.
-Okay I cant think of anymore, really. Heheh

Losses
-Being there all day. -Yes I get it, away from home, time to do homework, but seriously? My brain is fried at the end of the day just from having my head in study mode all day.
-No nap place -I am tired at school. Its nice, but I want like an hour nap. But they'll catch me in the library and there is no other inconspicuous place to just...lay down. Ugh. Whatever.
-Creeper dudes. -I met this guy once over the summer. and I was polite and nice as he sat on the bus with me and talked about movies. But now...we've only met three times and everytime he's like "you wanna hang out? See a movie (Free-he works at a theater)? grab some starbucks? hang out? btw-you're really pretty and nice and..." He's like trying to be my best friend. And Im just creeped out. Im not sure whether to keep telling him Im busy or go with my assumptions and say Im not dating.
-Stress -I freak out, have weird dreams and my sleep scheadule is all over the place. Sometimes I think I need to see Dr.House. Even if he is in a psych ward.
-Homework - seriously? There's just way too much.
-I think there's more to this list, but Im not remembering

Winness of babysitting
-Mini-vaca. -the people I babysit for like closer to the actual city of San Diego so whenever I go down I take the train (like 30 or so minute ride) and end up staying the night for at least one night. Okay, so going down and watching kids is a little stressful and Ive got a full load of school work, but Im not at home! Im visiting friends and I dont have family bugging me!!!!!
-Cuteness -and 5 year old and a 2 1/2 year. Need I say more? I love them
-Hanging with friends. -I get along really well with the parents. The mom-we are practically sisters-we look alike, act alike sometimes and its just fun. I laugh my butt off with her. And the dad is an ex-worship pastor of mine. We talk about the strangest things.
-Sleep -I dont know why, but I sleep really good on their couch. Maybe its all that watching those kids??
-Mom training -Im learning A LOT. Heck, the little girl has even (accidentally) called me mom.
-Again, more that i couldnt find how to put into words.

Losses of babysitting
-Exhaustion -Like pure and outright. Im dead tired after watching those kids
-Bedtime -These kids, they rock. They are cute. They listen to me most of the time...until bedtime. This usually isnt horrible is they missed their nap and are tired, but when they arnt, ugh. Last time, I spent a good hour after their "bedtime" trying to get them to settle down and separating them and such.
-Okay this list is short, but I really enjoy babysitting my friend's kids. The bedtime is just a really huge annoyance.

So, in conclusion, Im superbusy and stressed but I love it.
Tomorrow starts the third week of school and on Friday I go back down for a second weekend in a row of babysitting and hanging out. Today and wed are my only days off.
Again-sure to think of more in the next week, but for now Im ready to hit the sack. Well, once mom comes back from Walgreens. Ive been having really bad shortness of breath all day. Annoyed.

She's home! Robutussin and vapor patches! Oh yay!

My cat is a ferocious hunter, killer...thing.

Currently: should be in bed. winding down so I can sleep.

My cat is grossing me out.

Why?

Backstory: When my cat was around one years old, he used to go outside and bring in like half-dead/alive beatles and moths and then bat them around and play with them and then once they died...eat them.
It was cute. he was little and they were beatels and he's an animal.
One night he brought in this baby mouse and my mom freaked. The mouse ended up escaping.

We so no more live things for a while.

My cat still lvoes to play with things that move. he thing lately has been rubberbands. Wiggle one in front of him for long enough and he plays with it on his own.

So...Monday night. Im up way too late (so this more Tues morning) and I get up to check something for school real quick.
*Note* The next part if a little graphic and gross.
My cat was sitting in the living room with this very large mouse in his mouth (It might have been a rat, I wasnt really up to looking too close).
After figuring out it was dead and giving up on checking anything, my cat...started to eat it. I was grossed out. I went to take a shower. When I got out and was dressed in pj's and all that, it was gone. Except for certain mouse parts that my cat didnt eat. So I got to clean it up. One, because it grossed me out and two, I didnt want my mom freaking out in the morning.

I took pictures of this before and after because I thought my dad wouldnt believe me (He likes to make fun of my cat, call him Cowardly Lion and such).
Well, tonight, Im sitting here, doing my homework and my mom sees it first. He's brought in....a small dead bird.
We scooped it onto some paper and put it on the kitchen floor before my cat decided to be the wild animal he is and eat it.

Oye. Grossness.

Im too grossed out to post the pictures I took. I cant really look at them for too long, y'know?

Heh. Anyways. Thats all.

P.S. The "leftover" feathers from the bird are reminding of those cartoons when the cat would burp or have his mouth stuffed and feathers would come flying out.
LOL. So wrong, but Im giggling.

Tweeter.

Currently: thinking about way too many things at once.

I hit 1000 tweets tonight.

That is, 1000 updates on my twitter. Now when I first got it. I didnt really understand it. I even left it blank for like a month or two.
I didnt get why it was called a mini-blog other than saying what you were doing which is like a facebook/myspace status update.

Maybe's its because I actually blog and write. I have journals ranging from 2 pages written to completely full. Ive had many other blogs than this one. But I like it. writing down in paragraphs and letters and pages full and such.

Well, now I get twitter. Because being back at school, I havent had the energy to sit and write. All my free time goes toward either doing homework or reading my books and trying to rest and relax.

But twitter. Oh my. I updated that a lot when I wasnt blogging. Because it is a mini-blog. A itty bitty one, but I like it.
I do.

Okay, yea. thats all I have to blog about. I do have ideas for a couple other blogs and I wanna say Ill post them soon, but we shall see, right? Right.

Oh. And a question for all you "readers"
Should I chop my hair short? Or just trim it?

"Are the details in the fabric?"

Currently: winding down from a long week.

If it’s a broken part replace it
If it’s a broken arm then brace it
If it’s a broken heart then face it

Hold your own, know your name, and go your own way
And everything will be fine
Details in the Fabric-Jason Mraz w James Morrison

School started Monday.
Im tired.
I only have class two days a week but Im already exhausted. Spose it doesnt help I have other online classes? Maybe...
Heh. Its been a busy week.
French class is interesting. We've only learned the basic stuff like greetings and names and numbers but Im getting it. Slowly. But I am getting it.
I like my Statistics class. My teacher is a fun guy. For our first project we have to [play online yahtzee. heh.
Fun fun.
Of course the funny thing to me is that he suggested this like canadian site for seniors. But whatever.
I had to download Quicktime for my online history class. In fact, I need to do some of that stuff either tonight or tomorrow.

And other than school? Well, on Tuesday I had a leader meeting at church for childrens ministry that went well and I got to say hi to the youth as I was leaving.

Wednesday I went and hung with a friend-watched a movie and then went our for lunch. Then went back to that part of the county for a job interview and then went back close to home for a Rush of Fools concert.
The interview-the talking part was good. But then I kind of bombed the test. But I had this feeling like half-way through like I knew God didnt want me there. Im frustrated at having no job but am trusting in God and his plans for me right now.
The concert-really good. One of those lesser known small christian bands that does more christian rock type stuff. But it was nice. In fact, I need to edit those photos on photobucket and then add them to facebook. Editing is such crap. Why it gotta take so long? Meh. lol
Today I went to the library again and got some books and cds.
And then went to church to hang with my friend for a bit. Hopefully seeign her again in a couple weekends.

Okay I know, no insightful deep thoughts on this blog. Im super busy. Less stressed, but busy.
Although, still having really weird freaky dreams.
Im this close to blaming the heat wave.

But I have felt weird. Like totally exhausted and spent but ready for adventure and change. This is cliche, but I can feel it on the winds.

Change is the only constant. So instead of fearing it and fighting, I am trusting in it to happen, and then seeing what I'll do once it gets here, y'know?

Well, Im off. Its just past midnight and I have stuff to do tomorrow. Even if it is Saturday.

"embrace the stress!"

*Note: Thank you jenn for commenting my fbook status. It is the title of this blog entry.*

School starts on Monday.
I got my books today. (Okay-right now Im looking at Half.com and other sites to see if I cant find them any cheaper and then return the ones I got.)

I'm 90% ready for school. As in, Im signed in on my classes, I have books, I have pencils and papers and pens and folders and such.

But it has occurred to me this week that my stress is setting in.

So Id thought I would outline what symptoms of stress I've had.

Effects of stress ...
... On your body	... On your thoughts and feelings	... On your behavior
Headache Back pain Chest pain Heart disease Heart palpitations High blood pressure Decreased immunity Stomach upset Sleep problems	Anxiety Restlessness Worrying Irritability Depression Sadness Anger Feeling insecure Lack of focus Burnout Forgetfulness	Overeating Undereating Angry outbursts Drug or alcohol abuse Increased smoking Social withdrawal Crying spells Relationship conflicts

Of that list I have
Upset Stomach
Sleep problems (At first it over sleeping and then last night, barely any sleep)
A lot of the feelings category (But seriously-I'm a girl. Ive got all of those all the time)
and crying spells.

And then I had a teacher tell us once that cleaning is a symptom. I usually get that onee, but not know. Maybe around Finals time my room will be spotless. =P

The only symptom I cant find online is dreams.

I've been having some pretty freaky dreams. I should write them down. Or start to, cause Ive forgotten half of the ones I had. But its always those weird feelings that came with the dreams that stick. Heh.

But I'll be fine.

I'm glad school is starting soon, because it means that much sooner that my stress will fade away. Or at least, I'll notice it less....

heheh.

Okay, off to enjoy the last weekend of summer.

Fall Semester Classes

For anybody who's asked me what Im taking.

Tues and Thurs:
8-10 am ~ French 101
3:30-4:45 pm ~ Statistics

Online
History of England
Music Fundamentals

The music class doesnt even start till Sept 8. Two weeks after the semester starts. Im kind of expecting and hoping that class to be the easy A since I know a heck a lot about music already. Comes with playing an instrument since fourth grade.

I'm excited for French. I really really am.

This is my heart. This is me.

Currently: listening to Skillet.

I really truly have been meaning to blog for a whole week. But of course, by the time I was ready to, the weekend had come and I have wonderful friends who let me sleep over at there place(s) and we had fun times.

I need to go back and address something I blogged about in vagueness. Was it...2 posts ago? I said I felt disgusted. I wont give details, but something I realized something soon after.
I dont love in the right away.
I joke that I "show my love through abuse" but sometimes I do love too hard. I do hurt the ones I care for more in certain ways. But sometimes, my idea of love gets...weird (or something).
Once I had been talking to a friend after recently dumping another boyfriend and we got onto the idea of "There's always other fish in the sea". I made the joke "Yes, but I need someone to keep me from the forbidden zone". He laughed and agreed.

But something that's been on my mind-God gave us this simple little task of loving everybody. Everybody. Our family, friends, neighbors, enemies.
and really. It is simple. But somewhere down the road, it gets hard. Is it because of how we care? How much? How little?
When you love someone, you care, you get involved. And sometimes, like with the people we don't like, we don't want to care. But liking isn't loving. There are definitely days I don't like someone, but deep down I still love and care for them.

I kept thinking about this, I kept asking god "Show me how to love like you have loved me. show me how to love the right way." But I still felt as if he was telling me to wait. And then I got to hear him again when I remembered something.

A lot of people have asked me if Im going to be a nurse. And I'm not. As much as I care for people and have the heart, Im not a medical or science person. But people always mention that I have the heart. And that same kind of heart is involved with kids. So maybe it surprised me when I realized I really love the youth and kids at church, but nobody else was that I saw.

Ive always kind of hated being that girl with my heart on my sleeve. Ive gotten criticism about it and hate crying outwardly a lot. But then God reminded me "I made you this way. To show and share your emotions. You are human and I made you specifically to be this way. Be you who are, not something else."

And I remembered, that same outward heart is the heart that falls in love with music daily, that helps me write songs and poems and helps sympathize and listen to all my friends. So, yes, it sucks when I get my heart broken, but who wouldn't want to fall in love?
Its who I am, and its time I stopped running from the acceptance of "This is who I am".

I never write or admit things to other people until I admit them to myself. And sometimes that takes a while. But this is who I am. I'm not going to try and be anybody else. Cause everything I have, my little world has crumbled. And my world in gods hand and under me being myself, its flourishing.

"Show me how to love like you have loved me"

Currently: loving life.

I never realize how many people's twitters I follow, how many facebook friends I have, and (and not excluded to) how many blogs I follow and read until I spend a weekend away from the computer to go and clear my head.

It makes me laugh. But those weekends make my life sometimes.

What did I do this weekend? Went to a friends house to help babysit and among the little bit of babysitting I did do, there was so much more. Making scones and tea and watching Mama Mia.
Sit by a swimming pool. Got propsed to by a 5-year old. Indulge in my true nerdness and talk for a long time with people about Twilight, Comic-Con, and Firefly (Furturistic science fiction show. Its really-I love it now. Heh). Im sure there was more. Talk about boys and relationships. Go to a new church and feel my heart burst at the kind of worship Ive missed and a sermon I needed to hear. In fact, there were times while I was just watching my friend's kids and heard God tell me things that I needed to hear and knew I wouldnt have realized them on my own at home. And we also went to the beach. And had greek food.

I'm happy. I left here Friday feeling just annoyed and disgusted with things (partly myself) and within hours I was crying from laughter. I cant tell you how much every person in my life means to me.
I know God puts them there for a reason. And Im beyond thankful that he does what he does.

I cant wrap up my life right now in words. Only God could define it.

Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like you have loved me
Break my heart for what is yours
Everything I am for your kingdom's cause
As I walk from earth into eternity
Hosanna, hosanna
Hosanna in the highest
Hosanna-Hillsong

"Im so sick"

Currently: feeling generally weird, gross, and disgusted.

I'm so sick
Infected with where I live
Let me live without this
Empty bliss, selfishness
I'm so
I'm so sick
I'm so
I'm so sick
I'm So Sick - Flyleaf

I hate sin. I hate how it creeps up on you in the worst ways sometimes and leaves you feeling generally just nasty.
I can't say anything more than I know I havent been the best person.

And I feel weird cause I feel gross about myself but happy about seeing friends and getting out of my own ahead right now.

Things will be better.
God is with me always.

I just wish I didnt have to remind myself so much in such gross personal times.

Enjoy my inability to sleep

Currently:wondering if I should shower now or try and sleep for an hour or so before church.

I do not like rap or hip-hop. Well, esp the new stuff. If you play like classic hip-hop from like the 80s, then maybe I can get into it (saw The Proposal last night-had "it takes two to make a thing go right" stuck in my head all night long thank you).

But anyway. Im not one to dance and get into rap and all that dumb stuff. Sometimes I can get into beats but other than that, I hate what they talk about.

My point? This song and this song are two of my favorite songs.

Kaye West's Jesus Walks mainly because I dunno, its just nice to hear and remember, yea, he's walking with me and I need him.
I love that song. Dont necessarily like the artist but his music is crazy good.

And Tobymac's Irene. Funny story. I used to babysit for this woman who's husband was ina wheelchair and they had two sons. they went to a lot of football games so I usually got 5 hours of babysitting each time. The older son would fall asleep to this song on repea. I didnt know the name of it, but I had the words memorized after my third time there.

Went to youth convention 06 and they had tobyMac. I was sitting down, chilling. Did not know this artist, but then he started to sing this song and I got all uber-excited.
Its jsut funny cause he's like christian hip-hop or something and I dont listen to anything else closely related to him most of the time.

And I like the line "You got to reach up to touch rock bottom
The powers that be keep you downtrodden
Daughter of Zion, I heard your prayers"

Fun Fact: Im watching the video for this song for the first time. fun stuff.


Alright. Thats all. Now to see how much coffee I'll need to stay awake today.

I am such a music nerd

Currently: watching M.A.S.H.

I am such a music nerd. I've known this from the day i switched from Violin to cello and knew it "fit me better" but here's more evidence.

My friend got me into this Anime called Princess Tutu. And after watching the first six episodes at his house, I watched the rest online and finished it the other night. It ended happy, but bittersweet. I was close to crying and laughing and..everything.
It has an abundance of Tchaikovsky music in it.

Whenever I watch, I feel the need to fall asleep to Tchaik. and then end up dreaming about ballerinas and ducks and then it turns into even weirder dreams.

I have cd's full of just Bach and Mozart. Whenever I choose those to fall asleep to, I get lost in the music. There's one cello solo suite by Bach that makes me dizzy just laying in bed.

And finally. Chopin. I went to the library yesterday and picked up a Chopin CD. App, its a 2-disk set. I laid in bed till like 3 not sleeping with the first cd on repeat and all I could think was "Chopin isn't a great composer to fall asleep to". So then I put in the second one and eventually fell asleep.

the thing that kind of shocked me, I was looking on the back of the cd. Chopin was around in the early 1800's. He was 39 when he died.

Thats kind of crazy. But for some odd reason it explained his music to me. His age.
And then another random thought: while listening to all the piano in his music and reading his amall bio, i thought "This is the kind of composer I would fall for. If I had been around in that time"

Gah. Haha. I know. Im a geek.

Bouncing around idea in my head again.

Currently: feeling good.

I have a new obsession. With the food channel. how did it happen? Well, first our cable got cut down. We had the channels 2-99 and then because of things, its now 2-22 and then random channels like 66, 67, 70, 96, and 99.
One of them is the food network. At first, I just stopped watching t.v. a lot. I had new music and all the Hollywood crap that's on bugs me.
But then, slowly, my whole family started to watch the food network. I though it might make me hungry watching it. It doesn't.
And I stumbled across Food Network Challenge which is this show where they get really good like cake designers and have bake a ridiculously tall and detailed cake in 8 hours with one assistant. I love it. I love the themes.
and then of course they have the show Unwrapped, which me and my mom have always loved.

But seriously-love the food network right now. Although I did start having a funny thought. I was talking with a friend about college and school and I was saying how I still have no idea what I want to do, or even major in. Watching this channel made me start to think about becoming a cook. And I almost never cook so it's slightly ridiculous. but then later I started to think about how if I did pursue this, it's likely that I'll have to cook things that i dont even like eating and then even taste them. I mean- I cook always specialize in like desserts or something- but seriously, I know at some point Id have to cook a lamb or something and that just saddens me.

So new obsession is slightly a bad thing.

Also-I almost always forget that we have a guitar in my house. My brother got it two christmas's ago and only learned liek the basics. Its horribly out of tune. I am going to attempt to tune it. Woo.

As for college-I dont know what exactly what I want to do-But i know a couple classes I want to take. I have a feeling figuring it out is going to take a while. God wants me stay here for a while and Im slowly getting more and more used to that idea.

Switchfoot/Secrets Part Duex

So a while back I did a post with secrets in it.

And tonight, I feel the need/want to do another.

But first--I love the youth at my church. They acknowledge and remember that I love Switchfoot and pins and so give me the most random things sometimes.
(I love the new youth pastor too-since this was his at some point)
http://i34.photobucket.com/albums/d117/XAmysGoneX/HPIM3104.jpg
http://i34.photobucket.com/albums/d117/XAmysGoneX/HPIM3105.jpg

Mmk.

I don't know what I'll do when you leave.
--
Come back. Yes, its awkward with you here, but its less fun with you gone.
--
Ive been saying Im sorry my whole life to you. I dont care anymore. This is MY life.
--
Its strange, just learning to be friends after all these years.
--
Even the slightest complication makes this all the more strange.
--
I knew that I knew that I knew. I feel honored to help you with this. And slightly scared- I can only do so much and I cant tell anyone about it.
--
My choice of career will probably something you spend the rest of your days shaking your head at.
--
I haven't guarded my heart too well around you. And I feel like everyone can see it.
--
You have no idea how much you make me smile each and every day.
--
All the poems and songs I've written lately have been about one thing, one event. The contain more truth than I can ever say myself.