There's something in the water...

"..that makes me love you like I do"
Currently: freaking ecstatic

So, this week, in short, was kind of hellish.
I had my classes 90% figured out last week and was hoping on good things.
It all fell apart Monday.
And right up until this morning, it's been a slow decline.

So I came back home from trying to crash a class and "napped"
Napping turned into staying curled up in bed all day.
Sign of my week? Maybe.

But I woke up..checked my e-mail...and it's all worked out.
Thank you God.

I have all the credits I need and there are no waiting lists and YAY.


So this weekend I'll start making schedules for myself for the semester and such and Ima make one for this blog.

But since I've been such a lamo at writing this month, I had an idea.

Im going to do a 30 day challenge type thing.
A meme.
A month of...Doctor Who.

So starting on Sept. So ... Wed? Yea.

Alrighty boys and girls. Be excited.
I am.

Life is good. Hope is good. Prayers work.

Summer isnt even over yet...

...and im starting to stress a little over school.

Oh yes, my school tag is back.
I can start registering for classes TODAY.
Which I should do.
Because there are a couple classes I dearly wish to take that tend to fill up really fast.

But while looking online at classes, I also looked at stuff I need to take to get my AA. All the Gen Ed "need to take" classes.

And now Im all torn.
Between what I want, and what I need.
And what I need depends on my major.

Should I stick with Gen Ed and take basic stuff? finish quickly?
Or stick on my route of figuring it out and take what interests me.
OI VEY.

I dunno my friends.
Im torn.

And I could go into how Im torn about a lot of thing sin life, how life is usually a split between wants and needs BUT its late.

I shall talk to friends/parents/counselor/God about this.

(but i always like advice. you can comment)

My heart.

My cat went missing.
Hasn't been home since last Monday.

And until the other night I was fine. Then a thunderstorm blew through and my heart broke.
Some of you may not care, as it is just..a cat
But he was my cat. My baby. This furry black and white thing Ive had since he was born, who acted almost exactly like me.

My heart is breaking. I do not want to accept the truth that he might be gone forever.


But in a truly unexpected way, it is also healing.

This has been one of weeks where my heart is truly shone, where I cry at everything, where I am in just wonder and awe at God's power and how he works through everything.


My cat had a girlfriend.
This black and white cat who roamed the apartment complex.
She got pregnant. Considering she hung out with might cat, we figured it was his doing.

She's been coming to visit us more and more.

Today, she didn't leave our house.
Around 6 pm she went into labor.

And now, at 3:30 am, she is curled up on my bed with 7 newborn kittens.

I saw these kittens being born.

The miracle of birth is astonishing. Whether its a human, chicken, or cat. Its simply amazing.


My heart is healing.


My heart is breaking and healing because of the truth. Because of love, because of God.

And I realize, I know, that sometimes we have to be broken more to heal properly, to work better.


But as astonishing as this truth is, it still hurts.

I know I'll be fine. But now I am in a wandering state of mind.
Broken and healed.
Love.
And with God.

always.

Always with God.

And this post my friends..this is me being fully honest about things. No editing.
No going back and retyping my sentences.

I think it took my heart being more exposed for my truth to shine a little bit brighter.

Love should be. (Easter is)

It took me years to realize it, but Easter is my favorite holiday.
Not because of chocolate and big dinners or anything.

Because..its about God.
It is spring to me. Its new beginnings. Its right off of Lent where you are giving up something for the bettering of yourself.

Its resurrection. Of course Im one of those people who always confuse in Christmas with Easter.
Because it makes sense. Jesus was born to die for us. The two holidays are linked in that one huge big way.

But I like Easter because Easter is love to me.



And lately its been on my mind what love is and what love isnt.

Because love to me is sacrificial.
It is giving all the time, not necessarily always receiving.
It is giving because of want, not need.

It is forgiving flaws in light of the good, in light of what could be.
Love is unconditional. Always there, always love.

Im studying for a health midterm and in taking about how to be in a good friendship it says "Be altruistic; that is, be generous without expecting anything in return"


Im blown away. Because what doctors and scientists and experts say about love and relationships-all of it-you see Jesus act out in the bible.
We should following Jesus and his examples.

We should be acting out this kind of love.

There is no better day of any year than Easter to realize how much he loved us, why he did, how he did.

He died so that we would have a better life.

Love should be this.

Love should not be depicted by movies and tv: jealous, revengeful, lustful, evil, flip-flopping, infatuated, breakable.
It disgusts me how easily love and relationships are taken for granted.
This things should be for life.

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.
And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love."
1 Corinthians 13:4-8,13

I need these 10 minutes, I need this honesty.

Currently: listening to this song.

My last post-the one wrote yesterday and just now posted. It scares me.

I wanted to write what Im now added to it, but I knew it I couldnt.

Because now Im talking about fear and honesty.

Ive been very scared with my life lately. And its because I know that God has not only placed me in a time of my life I dont understand, but situations are completely new and foreign to me too.

But at the same time, its forced me to be be more honest.
Mostly more honest in general, but more importantly, more honest to myself.

Here's the thing. I need this. I need God.

I dont care if you read my blog or not, agree with my life and opinions or not, cause this is me.

And me? As scary as it is to admit I have issues just to spend 10 minutes with God, Im being honest about my situation.

I need those 10 minutes to be away.

I need to be honest about how it went too.

I am me when I write and sing and worship. But if you ask me how I am in person, I bend my truth. I routinely say "fine, okay".

I am scared of getting my heart hurt horribly hurt again, even when Im happiest Ive ever been in my life.

But I want to be truthful. I am sick and tired of the drama and games of hiding old fears, of not working them out.

Sometimes that includes my worries that Im still depressed or that I'll never work out a "normal life" that a lot of people want for me.

But it also includes how great life is, how much God has blessed it.

I am scared, but I am honest in this new time of my life.
Im not sure which part of it is bigger.

I love the old parts, I love the comfort, But I have so much wanderlust.
I have feelings of temporanyiness and like I'll be somewhere else soon.

And Im so so so ready for it.

I love the rain. And the reminder of rainbows.

Currently:listening to my mom talk, hoping for the wireless to magically pop up.

I love the rain. Now, some of you may wonder where this is coming from-Im in SoCal and it hasnt rained since...springtime.
And around this time we usually get fires and strong winds. But today, there was drizzle..of rain.

Today started out crappy for me. It got better bit by bit with getting to go home to nap and finding I aced mt stats test.
I had to go church for a meeting and spent the whole ride over writing in my journal. I've been doing this almost daily for a few days now and my head is still scrambled with thoughts. Anyways.

I get off and walk the little short couple of blocks from the station to the church and I feel warm wetness fall on me. The clouds are dark. all I could was smile and thank God.

I'm kind of weird from my friends for this. I would love rain all the time where I have friends who get tired of it quickly.
I've heard the metaphor that rain is God crying and its nice imagery, it is. But me? I see it a different way. Maybe its the deep attachment to when I used to talkto my Grandpa on the phone when it rained, I dont know.
I love it.
I love to dance, sing, and just be in it. When it rains, for me, its like God is just there, drenching me in himself. In his promises and dreams and hopes for me. For some, its a sad memory, and sometimes it is, but its one of the greatest things God made too.

I have been...beyond moody lately, and when my mood is swinging low, I wish for rain. I want it. Yearn for it. Sometimes I think I just associate rain with God and when I want rain, I want more of him.
To feel the slightest of rain today made me elated. And before I could look up at say thank you for the rain...I saw a rainbow.
I saw once I was at the church that it was a double-rainbow. But...a rainbow!
I cant remember the last time I saw one. And I will admit, I teared up at the rainbow.

Life hasnt been great lately in personal areas and to see a rainbow, to see something that God gave as a promise years ago, it felt personal. Like God has this divine appointment for me to be out of the house tonight, to see that it'll be okay.

But the thing about the rain tonight-It did not feel like September rain. It was like summer rain. Heavy and humid and you feel every little bit of it. Like God was just hanging in every atom where the rain was.
I was able to visit my old youth group for a bit tonight and hear the sermon and when I left-all I could think was how the sermon had been the like the rain earlier. The atmosphere was heavy and full-God in every moment and every word and heavy on every heart.

I love the rain. And God's presence in it.
And im glad, that with rain, there is the reminder of rainbows.=)

"Show me how to love like you have loved me"

Currently: loving life.

I never realize how many people's twitters I follow, how many facebook friends I have, and (and not excluded to) how many blogs I follow and read until I spend a weekend away from the computer to go and clear my head.

It makes me laugh. But those weekends make my life sometimes.

What did I do this weekend? Went to a friends house to help babysit and among the little bit of babysitting I did do, there was so much more. Making scones and tea and watching Mama Mia.
Sit by a swimming pool. Got propsed to by a 5-year old. Indulge in my true nerdness and talk for a long time with people about Twilight, Comic-Con, and Firefly (Furturistic science fiction show. Its really-I love it now. Heh). Im sure there was more. Talk about boys and relationships. Go to a new church and feel my heart burst at the kind of worship Ive missed and a sermon I needed to hear. In fact, there were times while I was just watching my friend's kids and heard God tell me things that I needed to hear and knew I wouldnt have realized them on my own at home. And we also went to the beach. And had greek food.

I'm happy. I left here Friday feeling just annoyed and disgusted with things (partly myself) and within hours I was crying from laughter. I cant tell you how much every person in my life means to me.
I know God puts them there for a reason. And Im beyond thankful that he does what he does.

I cant wrap up my life right now in words. Only God could define it.

Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like you have loved me
Break my heart for what is yours
Everything I am for your kingdom's cause
As I walk from earth into eternity
Hosanna, hosanna
Hosanna in the highest
Hosanna-Hillsong

God cannot give us a happiness and peace apart from Himself, because it is not there. There is no such thing.

God cannot give us a happiness and peace apart from Himself, because it is not there. There is no such thing. -C.S.Lewis

Currently:
Taking a break from putting numbers in my new cell.
Listening to Sooner or Later (Elektra Version)-Switchfoot.

I like this version better than the album version. Heh.

So someone brought up that this is the weekend that the Switchfoot bro-Am usually happens. Not this year.
This reminded of something.
You see, I had this really stupid fling or w/e something and I ended up breaking it off right before the Bro-Am last year. (No-I didn't plan to break-up with someone before summer started, last year was crazy enough in itself)

But basically, my point is, I've been single for a year now.
I'm not sure what to feel. Part of me feels accomplished. I promised myself and God no dating for at least two years and I've made it to my essential half-way point, even with certain things that have happened.
I know it's not huge or big by any means, but I'm bad at keeping certain promises, and I'm over the moon that this pact between me and God is holding strong.

There is another part of me that feels lonely, but I think that just comes with being single. I've dealt with, over the past few months, my wants and needs, and how different they are.
How, after a while, I do want to date again, but am not quite ready, even if there is or isnt a great guy waiting in the wings for me. God only knows right?
I'm trusting God on this.
He'll tell me when the time is right.

Wow.Anyways, playing a duet of sorts in worship tomorrow (with the worship pastor-she plays keyboard) I have the melody part. Eep.
Night all. Have a great and blessed Sunday.

'If you love her let her go...'

(Listen to these songs while reading)





I am sad.
I am sad for myself and for those I know.
Mostly, I am sad for those who can't let go.
It's one of the hardest things in the world in my opinion. To have horrible feelings mixed with good, not wanting them, but not wanting to hand them over to anyone. ever.
The best example would be after breaking up a relationship with anyone. Mostly romantic relationships, but I've seen it between family and friends too. You know someone for a while. Some good time period where you become close and bonds are formed. But also, you learn the dark sides. The bad-the things you don't like about them. Or maybe you don't.
The next part happens in more romantic relationships than anything else-it breaks. Life happens. Either you grow up, a event in one of your life's show something that the relationship cannot work with or around. Someone maybe died. Maybe someone moved.
Whatever happened-the relationship is trained and eventually broken.
What now? You have all these wonderful brilliant memories of a this person tainted by hurt.
You hate how you're feeling and wish it were all different-somehow back to how it had been.
But it can't change back. And you know you have to let go of it. But that would also mean letting go of the love you each shared and the friendship you both had possessed.
It gets to be almost this limbo thing. You are not wanting to let go but knowing its the right thing to do.
At the end of 2007, I came back to God after a decline of falling away for a few years. The big weekend that it did, all that my life had been the past year or so crumbled. I had thrown out everything taught to me as a child and had been in an unhealthy relationship and less than ideal school situation.
I will never forget that feeling. Lying on a convention room floor crying my eyes-my whole shuddering, clinging to my best friend while all our youth leaders started to pray and lay hands on us. I could hear God so clearly, at the same time feeling him break down all the lies my life was now based on. I went home and broke up with boyfriend and then proceeded to be at church three times a week every week-crying anytime we got into prayer or worship.
The walls were broken and now the rubble was being cleared. I was being rebuilt. But I had to let go.
And I still am. I always feel as if I'm still in those beginning baby steps of letting. Like the repeated mixed up process of breaking up with someone. All the emotions you feel afterwords.
There are days I'm overwhelmed by everything I have to deal with. All the past things in my life that I would rather not think about or remember. And there are times I can forget them or feel better and lighter.
But tonight I was reminded deeply of what it felt like to not let go. To hold on so strong not caring how deeply it's wounding you. the weapon you get to hurt someone else but it burns you more instead.
Why? Why can't we let go of things that scar us so deeply? The things we sit and complain, the things that make us cry because a movie or conversation reminds us of it?
Is it simply our want? To not forget the good that was? Ive never forgotten that part.
Is it not listening to God? My relationship with him has grown over and over in the past year simply because he asks me to let go of some things and while I don't always do it right or I fail in trying, I still set out to let go of something wounding me. God never ever wants things to hurt us, esp ourselves I think.
But our vision in those relationships become blinded. We think we're not good enough for him and cant run to him, finding we cant do this, we cant let go by ourselves and nobody else can truly help us because nobody else has lived our exact lives to really know what it feels like to us.

I think we all know somebody who needs to let go of something. Maybe its ourselves, maybe its a friend or family member, but the fact is its in the world and its abundant and thats so sad.
I pray for you all, you know who you are.