Life without...cats.

(This is more or less a continuation of my last post.)

Last time after I wrote, I went to bed with kittens sleeping next to me. I curled up on the foot of my bed with a pillow and blanket.

When I woke up the mom was eating so I leaned over and counted the kittens.
9.
Nine kittens.
(That is a large litter for even a cat.)

The rest of day was spent normally with every member of family occasionally peaking into my room to see them.
I felt strange.
My heart was hurting over my own cat being lost.
But it was healing because of those births. Of the business of dealing with it.

But here's the thing. They weren't our cats.

As it is in apartment complexes, we got word around that the litter was born. That very night the owner came by.
I gently put them in a box and handed the cat and her litter over.
I was sad to see them go. Very sad.

But at the same time..there was so much relief on the owners face, it made me slightly happy. Because I know how it feels to not know where or how my own is doing.


That's the story.

Here's the update.

I will be getting a cat. Actually, my mom has kind of decided that maybe we'll get two cats once the kittens are weened off.
Having two together would give them someone to play with and maybe want to be inside more.
My mom and I also decided that we'd get them fixed right away and train them to be indoor cats. (I am not going through this fear again.)

If you're reading this and wondered about getting one of kittens-its a really good chance I can still get you one.
I mean...9 kittens. Just make sure you let me know and by the time they're weened I can probably get one to you. :)


Other than that. Life is normal again.
But its strange not having a cat.

Except for my 6th and 7th grade years-Ive always had a cat. Whether it was ours or a neighbor cat that visited frequently.
So this the first time in a while I haven't had a live furry animal to pet.

My dad and I talk about how we miss him. How you get so used to waking up to a meow or something that just sometimes you hear it in your mind.

I might sound like a cat lady-but I keep dreaming about my cat.
I think I'm finally coming to peace that he's..gone.
Its hard to think and admit but I know it'll be okay.

Hearts break..everyday. Over a lot of things.
Not just a boy or a girl.

But hearts are reformed and put together again every day too.

They are made stronger.

I know I know I know there is a reason for this.
I know there is.

Maybe I just needed to be sad and broken more a while. Its the only way I can be stronger than I already am.

My heart.

My cat went missing.
Hasn't been home since last Monday.

And until the other night I was fine. Then a thunderstorm blew through and my heart broke.
Some of you may not care, as it is just..a cat
But he was my cat. My baby. This furry black and white thing Ive had since he was born, who acted almost exactly like me.

My heart is breaking. I do not want to accept the truth that he might be gone forever.


But in a truly unexpected way, it is also healing.

This has been one of weeks where my heart is truly shone, where I cry at everything, where I am in just wonder and awe at God's power and how he works through everything.


My cat had a girlfriend.
This black and white cat who roamed the apartment complex.
She got pregnant. Considering she hung out with might cat, we figured it was his doing.

She's been coming to visit us more and more.

Today, she didn't leave our house.
Around 6 pm she went into labor.

And now, at 3:30 am, she is curled up on my bed with 7 newborn kittens.

I saw these kittens being born.

The miracle of birth is astonishing. Whether its a human, chicken, or cat. Its simply amazing.


My heart is healing.


My heart is breaking and healing because of the truth. Because of love, because of God.

And I realize, I know, that sometimes we have to be broken more to heal properly, to work better.


But as astonishing as this truth is, it still hurts.

I know I'll be fine. But now I am in a wandering state of mind.
Broken and healed.
Love.
And with God.

always.

Always with God.

And this post my friends..this is me being fully honest about things. No editing.
No going back and retyping my sentences.

I think it took my heart being more exposed for my truth to shine a little bit brighter.