I am such a music nerd

Currently: watching M.A.S.H.

I am such a music nerd. I've known this from the day i switched from Violin to cello and knew it "fit me better" but here's more evidence.

My friend got me into this Anime called Princess Tutu. And after watching the first six episodes at his house, I watched the rest online and finished it the other night. It ended happy, but bittersweet. I was close to crying and laughing and..everything.
It has an abundance of Tchaikovsky music in it.

Whenever I watch, I feel the need to fall asleep to Tchaik. and then end up dreaming about ballerinas and ducks and then it turns into even weirder dreams.

I have cd's full of just Bach and Mozart. Whenever I choose those to fall asleep to, I get lost in the music. There's one cello solo suite by Bach that makes me dizzy just laying in bed.

And finally. Chopin. I went to the library yesterday and picked up a Chopin CD. App, its a 2-disk set. I laid in bed till like 3 not sleeping with the first cd on repeat and all I could think was "Chopin isn't a great composer to fall asleep to". So then I put in the second one and eventually fell asleep.

the thing that kind of shocked me, I was looking on the back of the cd. Chopin was around in the early 1800's. He was 39 when he died.

Thats kind of crazy. But for some odd reason it explained his music to me. His age.
And then another random thought: while listening to all the piano in his music and reading his amall bio, i thought "This is the kind of composer I would fall for. If I had been around in that time"

Gah. Haha. I know. Im a geek.

Bouncing around idea in my head again.

Currently: feeling good.

I have a new obsession. With the food channel. how did it happen? Well, first our cable got cut down. We had the channels 2-99 and then because of things, its now 2-22 and then random channels like 66, 67, 70, 96, and 99.
One of them is the food network. At first, I just stopped watching t.v. a lot. I had new music and all the Hollywood crap that's on bugs me.
But then, slowly, my whole family started to watch the food network. I though it might make me hungry watching it. It doesn't.
And I stumbled across Food Network Challenge which is this show where they get really good like cake designers and have bake a ridiculously tall and detailed cake in 8 hours with one assistant. I love it. I love the themes.
and then of course they have the show Unwrapped, which me and my mom have always loved.

But seriously-love the food network right now. Although I did start having a funny thought. I was talking with a friend about college and school and I was saying how I still have no idea what I want to do, or even major in. Watching this channel made me start to think about becoming a cook. And I almost never cook so it's slightly ridiculous. but then later I started to think about how if I did pursue this, it's likely that I'll have to cook things that i dont even like eating and then even taste them. I mean- I cook always specialize in like desserts or something- but seriously, I know at some point Id have to cook a lamb or something and that just saddens me.

So new obsession is slightly a bad thing.

Also-I almost always forget that we have a guitar in my house. My brother got it two christmas's ago and only learned liek the basics. Its horribly out of tune. I am going to attempt to tune it. Woo.

As for college-I dont know what exactly what I want to do-But i know a couple classes I want to take. I have a feeling figuring it out is going to take a while. God wants me stay here for a while and Im slowly getting more and more used to that idea.

Switchfoot/Secrets Part Duex

So a while back I did a post with secrets in it.

And tonight, I feel the need/want to do another.

But first--I love the youth at my church. They acknowledge and remember that I love Switchfoot and pins and so give me the most random things sometimes.
(I love the new youth pastor too-since this was his at some point)
http://i34.photobucket.com/albums/d117/XAmysGoneX/HPIM3104.jpg
http://i34.photobucket.com/albums/d117/XAmysGoneX/HPIM3105.jpg

Mmk.

I don't know what I'll do when you leave.
--
Come back. Yes, its awkward with you here, but its less fun with you gone.
--
Ive been saying Im sorry my whole life to you. I dont care anymore. This is MY life.
--
Its strange, just learning to be friends after all these years.
--
Even the slightest complication makes this all the more strange.
--
I knew that I knew that I knew. I feel honored to help you with this. And slightly scared- I can only do so much and I cant tell anyone about it.
--
My choice of career will probably something you spend the rest of your days shaking your head at.
--
I haven't guarded my heart too well around you. And I feel like everyone can see it.
--
You have no idea how much you make me smile each and every day.
--
All the poems and songs I've written lately have been about one thing, one event. The contain more truth than I can ever say myself.

I hate Failing.

Warning: There will be ranting in this post.

Currently: listening to rock music.

Blame Me! Blame Me! Blame Me!
For mistakes you've made
But you can't own
Hate Me! Hate Me! Hate Me!
For every honest word
That you postpone
Blame Me! Blame Me!-Anberlin

I really and truly hate that I got sick.
I used to get sick all the time and didn't care. But when I turned my life back around and got serious about my Faith, I started not getting sick. So when I am sick, it bugs me, cause I cant do anything.

I started my summer classes 5 weeks ago with the intention of finishing them with passing grades.
And then I got sick last week. Honest to goodness sick with a fever and me sleeping all day and just feeling like poop. The fact that its summer and hot outside did not help.
I missed class.
I thought, okay so I missed all week. If I go back Monday for the last four days, I might be able to redeem something and maybe at least get a couple low C's.
I slept through my alarms on Monday. I still had a fever to sweat out, despite feeling better.

And because of my teacher's grading systems (and lack of returned e-mails), I knew there was no way I'd pass, even if I got like 100% on my finals.
I already feel like crap about it.
And now my dear ole Father is giving me the silent treatment.

Okay, maybe it is better then the yelling and scolding I would get when I screwed up in High School, but seriously?
I cannot help or change what happened.
Its not like Im not going to retake the classes, I am. And I already have the books for when I do.

My mom explained all this and more to him. But he's mad, and not talking to me.

-_-

I am so sick of this. Of failing. Of being the family failure.
I try my hardest to succeed in everything and I almost never see any results. Its frustrating.

I just. Ugh.

Back to cleaning the house every day for me. Until fall semester starts. And/Or I get a job.

Topol's Voice is a spinning record in my head. I love it.

For those on facebook

Before I go Topol crazy-recap of weekend.
Thursday---College group-Tripping over myself while playing ninjas and coming home to find my fever spiking.

Friday---Katie and her little sister came over. We got in the pool swam talked, switched to hot tub. and back and forth once more. I actually sat out for a bit and read some more of HP6. went inside, they helped me beat more of Kingdom Hearts, we ate domino's for dinner and their dad picked them up.

Saturday--Woke up, figured out when Tom was getting in, at 11:30 me and mom got him the train. Came home, got dressed and left him to eat whatever and have alone time. Family (mom, dad, bro, me) went to uncle's and then late aunt's brothers place for a small family potluck type thing. My aunt hadent wanted a service of any kind but she loved parties and family getting together. It was fun-interesting- to talk about this and that.
Left at 6ish, came home and wasnt there for long and then mom dropped me and tom in Vista so we could see HP6 (we had cheap tickets for the theater there). We ate before (Okay -he ate, I watched and stole random peices of orange chicken) and then we watched it. My review of that movie is an entirely other post. Let me say this-I enjoyed Luna's outfits. Got out at 12:30, parents picked us up. came home, went to bed.

Sunday---Got up, got ready, mom took me and tom to church. Hung out talked with friends till service. It was a "Grilled Sunday"-they grill the meat, everyone brings some kind of dish.Service was even outside under tents. Much fun to just sit and play the "word Association" game. Heh. Tangents. Love it.
Went home, rested for abit, then Mom, Karl, Tom, And I got in the car to go downtown San Diego. Mo got the tickets and then we ate at Dennys where Tom told me i was loiekly he going to steal my fedora and kept me from falling asleep while waiting for out food. then went and saw Fiddler.

oh my goodness. Okay-we had like at the top, cant see their faces, nosebleed seats. It was amazing. Just to like hear Topol's voice and know that it was him speaking at that moment now-amazing. worth it. Freakin love it.
And just to see the differences between movier and play. I loved it. I sang with every song and even spoke with some lines.
And its a bit embarassing-but I was majorly tearing up at the end of it and when Topol came out-we were all standing and applauding him.
Gah.

Fiddler always makes me feel more fermented in my beliefs and my faith.
And Topol is just-he IS that role, you know? Something about his face, his looks, the way he says the lines, it adds something. Its just freaking amazing.

I can't get over it. I just can't. I love Topol's voice. Heh.

Prayer for Prayer

Currently: half-asleep.

I realize the statement "Prayer for prayer" sound s a lot like when you go on myspace and you have those friends and do the "pc4pc" bulletins (If you comment their pics-they will comment yours).
But I mean it as praying for prayer. As in, I have been praying for prayer. Over the past couple years, I am always just looking and trying to figure how to deepen my relationship with God and..something like become a stronger Christian, follower, and even leader-like things.
One thing I've always known is that Im not that great at praying over others or with others. Like when my family goes out to dinner-I never like being the person who prays over all the food.
And then-there are sometimes when it comes naturally to me. Like closing prayer in a small group once or twice.

But it never ceases to amaze me-everytime I think about it or really prayer about it, God helps me. Like on Sunday we have half an hour of just everyone praying before service and this week they wanted us to pair up and pray for each other. Most weeks Im busy or end up praying silently or something. And Im not saying my prayer was crazy good or anything just that it shocked me.
I did that thing of letting myself surprise myself again.

The other thing about prayer-Im not a person to ask for it. I only tend to ask for it when something happens in my family. Something big or semi-big. So again, just wanted to say, any prayers said or thought for my family and I are so so so much very appreciated.
I'm bad at thanking people, so here it is: Thank you. It means a lot.

Anyways, that was all o the little ephiphany I had. Off to bed soon here. Three days of missed school. I need to get there tomorrow.

Bi-polarness. Bah.

Currently: listening to music. wondering what to eat today.

Before I get into my sickness, let me tell you about Sunday. Sunday was good. Long and exhausting but good. the youth led worship for a second week and it rocked. Teaching kids church was fun. And after hanging around for a while, I caught the sprinter and my mom picked me up on her way from church. We stopped by home to change clothes and then left to go help my uncle, and my late aunt's sister and mom clean out her closet. Me and mom bought some sandwiches and chips and then after we ate, we spent a couple hours going through it all. She had a lot of clothes and shoes and my mom and I haven't even gotten through the makeup my uncle gave us. Let me tell one thing-Going through her stuff and actually doing omething was not hard. But the emotionally hard moments were when we were just sitting and talking. But anyways. He's still looking through the jewerly. Mom and I packed up the car with clothes and shoes and got pizza on the way home and after eating dinner I konked out.

Woke up Monday feeling icky. I was up early so I took my time showering and picking out what to wear. Walked out to wear my mom was, still felt gross, decided nope, and went back, changed back into pjs, and got back into bed. Some around mid-afternoon I took my temp-98.1
Now, I know thats low. and for a normal person-it's under normal. (The highest it got yesterday-98.6.)

Im not normal.
I've almost always run cold and for me thats a low grade fever. So for the past couple I've had this low grade fever and bi-polar skin. Cause when Im sick my body cannot decide if Im cold or hot. I wake up under blankets burning up so I leave the fan on in my room so it's ice-box temperature but after a while of that, Im freezing. I think maybe part of it has to do with the metal in my back picks iup coldness so it tends to bug me. And then I just get weird about being really overly warm.
Its annoying.
I used to be sick almost all the time and over the past couple years Ive handled my stress and whatever else better and it hasn't happened often. But being sick just sucks. Esp during the summer.

Although yesterday I had a friend come over so she could watch Harry Potter 5 since I have it and she hasn't seen it. We mighgt go see the sixth one next week or something. After that, we swam in the pool and then she brought over Kingdom Hearts 2 and we played that while eating dinner. (My mom got chinese from this place by our old high school that we love.)

Anyway-that's all I've been up to. As for productive things-hung up all the clothes in my closet and e-mailed my teachers. And maybe a chore or two.
Man, I feel lazy. Must get to school tomorrow.

I love smelling of chlorine. Even if someone says its bad for me.

Currently: listening to music, supposed to be sleeping.

I just had one of the best days ever.

Thing is. It's been good since Thurs. And I couldn't clearly think because of my aunt passing. Just thought, when you have a really crappy day, an okay day after always seems way better.
But Thursday was good you know? College group was amazing.
Friday I got to sleep in and didn't have to do anything except dishes.
And today. Man on man. Had subway for lunch. Walked around an arts and crafts fair with mom for a couple hours (after getting smoothies and getting the car washed) and we picked up a bunch of things. I got two new dresses and new new earrings. Mom got something for grandma, a key holder thing, a ceramic turtle for out little bench table outside our door and a bunch of business cards. Much fun.
And then, like, as soon as I got home, I got a call from my best friend from high school. We've had issues being able to hang out and talk a lot and today she called, my mom and I picked her up and me and her spent like two hours sitting in the pool and hot tub talking and catching up.

I feel blessed. I don't know if the prayers or whatever, but I feel lucky and blessed.

Anyways, I need to be up and leaving for church in 6 hours. Teaching Kids church. Im excited.
Also, after church, going with my mom to help clean my aunt's closet with her sister and mom. It's going to be sad, but I dont know. Im hoping it goes well.

Are you testing me God?

currently: Listening to music. Trying to keep my head level. long day

Here's the thing, I can almost always tell when God is testing me. On many thing that begin to get hard for me, my first reaction is to look to the sky and ask god if he is testing me.
It gets me to a place of wanting to be mad, but not wanting to be, knowing it's good for me or something.
I think I just hate more when I can't tell what exactly he's testing me on.

Today was kind of a testful day. I dont know how else to describe it.
I woke up dead tired and just not wanting to get out of bed and after getting ready and waiting till the last minute to leave my mom comes racing in the house because he brother just called and said that his wife is on life support.
Okay, thats all we knew.
So I set my twitter/facebook status asking people to pray and went on to school with a very pre-occupied mind.
The thing is, my day at school was really good. I think people were praying right away because I kept praying but I had this peace about.
Walking to first class, i walk through the middle of the college past the clock tower and water fountain into the library and in thie area there is almost frequently someone with a guitar playing. It makes me smile.
Well, this morning, walking past, he played the intro of some worship song. I dont know which one, even though some part of me knew it, but it calmed me because then in my head I was playing a couple worship songs and taking notes.
My English class I didn't do much. We had a group quiz and a guy in my group had already done most of the work. I got good feedback on my quiz. I got to leave an hour early.

My mood shifted once I was home. Neither me or my brother wanted to call my mom and interrupt something. My aunt was on life support and the plan was that morning to take her off of it and so my mom was going down to comfort her older brother.
Once my mom came home, I got the full story.
My aunt had health issues. And on top of those certain issues she did drink. Tried to get sober plenty of times but I dont know.
Long story short, she felt sick this weekend and kept drinking and her body started to slowly shut down. In some respects, she was already gone last night.
I dont know what to feel. I miss her. I didnt know her well, She and my uncle had been married when i was younger, then divorced, then got remarried just a couple years ago. I saw her maybe once or twice a year since they got remarried. She was a wonderful woman. I prayed all morning that God speak to her before she passed on.

But the one thought in my mind: I didnt think I could hate alcohol this much. It just got more personal.
Im soooo tired of grieving for things that get lost in this life.
I am consoled by the fact that my aunt knew beforehand what she wanted to happen if she did die, so everythings taken care of, but I just dont know. I cant seem to feel grief.

For anyone who prayed for my family today: Thank you so much. The prayers are so appreciated. If you could pray for uncle please do. He's been dealing with this for a while and my mom says he's okay, but I worry.

Okay, I'm wrapping this blog up because I'm going to start rambling soon.
Love you all.

Thankfulness/ Braids and sunburns

Currently: watching cold case. And chuckling at the fact that my typing class is starting to stick.

As almost all Holiday weekends are for me, my emotions have been a roller coaster. I've had crazy memories made, crazy good memories made, and a couple bad ones that I wish wouldn't stick out as much.
But in this moment, what I'm feeling most is thankfulness.
Thankfulness for my church. I've been there for almost half my life now, and nobody has stuck me into an image, or said I couldn't do something. They lift me up and I love it. The day I leave will be very sad.

Thankfulness for friends. Friends who laugh at the beyond stupid things I do and still love me, friends who tell me that everything will be okay when they don't even know whats going on, friends who can tell something happened but don't pry, and, especially, friends who can and are willing to give me rides. I swear, I would be locked up in my house with parents even more nnoyed at me If I didn't have friends who are willing to drop me at a sprinter/bus station or ride home or a ride half-way home. I love my friends.

And esp, thakfulness for God. I walked into church this morning tired, headachy, and broken after a few short hours or bad sleepa dna couple events that seemed to ruin a whole good days mood. But within an hour, I was praising and praying, and then teaching kids about Truth. Man I love those kids. I cant say I know for sure if my future is to work with kids or youth, but I honestly love working with both.

Okay, and now a word of advice.
If you are going to spend all day in the sun, like go to the beach or something, do not wear braids.
I wore braids to the bro-Am last week and as I was I pulling my hair into braids again yesterday for the fourth, I realized that the one single line of skin on my head that was exposed was peeling.
Yes, my head got sunburned.
Its annoying. Heh.
Anyways, three weeks of summer semester left. Homework time.

This is me avoiding typing up an essay

Currently: listening to music on shuffle, avoiding typing an essay. I did it in poem form and it came out so creepily personal and I need to not look at it for a bit.

So from now on, your going to be asked unique questions, you ready?
Uhm. Sure?

Can you listen to music while reading a book?
What? like its hard?

Do you wish you could ever hug yourself to see if your a good hugger?
Ahaha. Kinda.

Do you even like hugging?
LOVE it.

What's something other than a fruit that you love in milkshakes?
chocolate. cherries. whipped cream.

If you see someone drop $5 without noticing, do you grab it?
To give it back...

Do you wish summer could come just about now?
it's here already.

Do you wish you were doing something else, other than this survey?
still sleeping.

Do you ever look ahead of the calender to see what school days you have off?
mhm

Are Monday mornings the hardest mornings to wake up to?
Nope.

Do you have a cat that stares and meows at you often?
Lol. Well, kinda. He stares at the window more then me

Can you really ever relate to song lyrics?
all the time

Are the teenage years the hardest to go through?
for me they were. But Im only 19, what do I know?

Have you ever stayed home from school just because you were WAY too tired?
Uhm. Yes.

Have you ever intentionally made someone jealous?
Not that I can think of.

What's something you're excited about right now?
tomorrow.

Have you ever been in a long distance relationship?
Yup

Have you ever kissed one of your best friends?
Once. Years ago. I doubt he remembers

Are you talkative?
i can be.

Tell me about the shirt you're wearing?
Its got already look to it.

What's currently bothering you right now?
My mind.

Do you listen to love songs when you're down?
Hecks no

Anything you're giving up on?
Right now? No

Are you close with your mom?
Mhm

Ever kissed a brown haired, dark eyed person?
On the cheek.

How many people have you kissed this past week?
None

Do you get distracted easily?
Mhm

How many kids do you want to have?
However many God gives me

Have you ever found it hard to tell someone you liked them?
Gah. Yes.

How late did you stay up last night?
2:30ish

Were you happy when you woke up today?
eh.

How about now?
Eh.

Do you eat candy on a daily basis?
Pah.No

Are you currently taking a science class in school?
No.

What are you thinking about right now?
a lot of things

Do you like flying or driving?
Flying

Are you mad about anything?
No. i've been grouchy today but Im not mad.

Who was the last person you talked to on MSN?
Tom.

If you could change your eye color would you?
No, I like mine

What are you listening to at the moment?
Anberlin. But Im going to turn on MASH in a minute

What are you wearing on your feet?
nothing

Do you fall for people easily?
Well, not random people. People I know though, sometimes

Are you missing someone right now?
Always

Do long distance relationships work?
They can. They havent for me. Romantically wise anyways

Could you go out in public looking like you do now?
sure. I mean, the ripped pjs pants arnt appropiate but whatev

Do you straighten your hair?
So very rarely.

Do you often wish there was something you could change?
Mhm

In the past 24 hours have you hung out with a guy(s)?
College group.

Name something you are doing tonight?
Homework.

What's the worst abuse your phone has gone through?
It hasnt gone through much

What are you doing today?
day's over.

Is there somebody in your life that you could not survive without?
God.

What was the worst feeling you last felt?
My heart hurts

How did you feel when you woke up today?
headachy

Something you hate very much?
crying.

Do you usually have weird dreams?
All the time.

Do you air dry or blow dry your hair?
air dry

What are you listening to right now?
the t.v.

Are promises important to you?
Very

Does it annoy you when someone says there gonna do something and don't?
Heck yes

Is there anything you disliked about your last birthday?
I freaking loved my last birthday. It was definitely one my best days.
~~~~

Where is your bestfriend right now?
Depends on who I'm calling my best friend currently. I'm so unsure of things.

Do you find it difficult to sleep on your stomach?
Nuh uh. I love it

Would you like to put last night on repeat, and live it forever?
Repeat yes. forever no

Has anyone told you they loved you in the last week?
M friends, yes.

What's your favorite season?
winter

Do you talk to the person you fell hardest for?
All the time.

Do you wish you were somewhere else right now?
mhm

What’s the worst way to say I love you?
when you're lieing.

Are you afraid of falling in love?
Deeply.


Does it make you uncomfortable when you receive a compliment?
ugh.All the time.


Who is someone you wish you could fix things with?
Myself and God.
And a couple friends.

Where EXACTLY were you when you entered 2009?
My church. the sanctuary.

When was the last time you cried really, really hard?
a couple weeks ago.

Last movie you watched in theaters:
Ice Age 3

How many windows are open on your computer?
3

Look to your left, what do you see?
china cabinet

Did you sleep in passed noon today?
No, but I did go back to bed and take a long nap

Do you miss the way things used to be?
All the time

Do you know anyone with the same middle name as you?
Many.

Where was the very last place you went besides your house?
LA/Sunset Blvd.

Where could I have found you last Saturday?
Moonlight Beach.