But how does the storm start in the first place?

This idea is just one blip in a thought process that's been with me for a few weeks.

I've been going through some stuff but let myself be distracted by holidays and school and other enough to not notice it.
But last night..I broke down.

And then today, I thought about storms.
About how everybody gets caught in life storms and most of the time we call to God to pull us out. And while we wait, while we "tread water", we rationalize why we are in this storm. Life circumstances, a test from God, something small. And it's true. Sometimes we're just in there for true reasons and we really on, as we should, the facts and the truth. It wasn't us. The storm itself pulled us in.

But me? It was different this time. I was okay earlier this year, with my Grandpa dieing and my best friends fighting. With school and people having jobs. That storm I more or less understood. I could not help what had happened and was trying to lessen it.
But this time?
I cast myself into.
I got angry and in an instant, it turned into blind rage. It turned into, this, this, and this is your fault. I dont care what I said six months ago.
So what to do? Who to be angry at for being in this storm? For having to deal with this crap?
God forbid I be angry at myself, make myself feel worse. No, it can't be rationalized like that. I got angry at God.
And I tried not to.
I hate being lukewarm with him or being like the ultra-teen I was at 17, going between love and hate every other day.
And I love God, I do but....it's not not hard to get angry at the person you love and trust most in this universe.
So I sat in my storm and got angry at the one who can save me.
And just one day made me feel worse. For who do pray to, depend on, vent to, when you've pushed away the most important one to you?

It reminds me of Greek myths. Don't curse the sea God when you're on a ship trying to get back home.
Don't bite the hand that feeds you.
We all do it. have done it. Gotten angry at the parent, our significant other, best friend, and even God.

I feel like Peter doubting his faith after Jesus is killed, denying him, and then being horrified when he remembers what exactly Jesus told him at dinner.
You don't want it to happen and say you will do everything in your power not to hurt that person but in the end, we all do it.
Its more seen in the teens couples who just know they'll be together forever. And they love each other. And its cute and deep and wonderful for those together for a long time with no cheating. But in reality.most of these relationships don't last. I've been in one where I let go of the fear to not say "forever" and "always" and I love you within the first couple of months. And it was great, till it ended. Till I knew it wasn't right. Those to me are the worst.
To promise and swear to someone you will never ever hurt them and then end up saying sorry ten times later on.
So why do we throw ourselves into these storms that come out of nowhere? Make promises we can't keep?
Maybe it's because we are human. God does not expect perfection out of us. He knows we get md and sad and distracted, but t still hurts him when we sit there and don't acknoledge him.
He knew Peter would deny him.
He knew I'd get mad at him.
He knows our prayers before they are said, circumstances before they are created.

But as often s..when I am treading water and cannot find the boat, cannot find salvation to cling to, God shows me a verse, a song.