My Own Truths.

I need to write. I need to sit in my room and stare at my journal and write for myself.

That's the thing bout my writing. Its always, first and foremost, for me. To get my thoughts out.
I beyond love having a blog where I can write about idea's bigger then me and have people's input on it.
When I first started getting journals in middle school, for a long time it was like letter writing to God. Every day, writing about my day, my ups and downs.

But the other thing about it? Its infrequent. My most recent journal is barely half-way filled. I started it Jan of last year and for most of last summer
I wrote almost every day, but then Id be busy, or forget. Something. And before you knew it, I had to recap the last month or two.

I forget. I neglect my needs. My friends needs. I neglect to care for the little things in relationships in my life that make up a better part of those relationships.
These are just some of the truths I always seem to realize too late, seem to realize in the middle of prayer.

As much as I've felt like writing lately, I haven't. Ive prayed constantly. And talked to God.
And he's been showing m stuff about myself that honestly scares me. He doesn't just do it my private prayer. I blank out in convo with him during worship on Sunday mornings, during group prayer at college group.
It scare me to know what else will be reviled if I start writing again.

I'm worried Ill vent first. be angry at God or things. Like why my ankle seems to hate me, why my family cant afford to get my cat fixed or that my cat just cant be more mellow like his brother. Why I cant seem to get school stuff done, why I haven't gotten a call back on a job yet.

Everytime I start to rant, all i think of is-you wanted this. Wanted the boy to like you, wanted to have a cat, wanted to be grown-up and 18 and older and all that.

Like a wish answered when you don't want it, a prayer answered a few years, months too late. And then I just have to remember everything is in Gods timing.
And my timing always seems to began against his.
My wants always seem to be against the needs he puts in front of my eyes.


Honesty. I need to write for my own honesty and find my own truth, Gods truth.
For as open and honest as
I try to be with everyone around me, Im not completely honest with myself.

5 truths.
1. I know what I want to do as a career, but fear the unknown and instability of it. I spend more energy trying to think of back-up plans.
2. I know how many boys Ive really liked, really loved, and just lusted after.
3. I figured out as much as I fall in love with music and life, the number of people in the category is so extremely small.
4. I have become a pack rat with my emotional baggage. Its scary seeing how much I have let go and how much needs to be let go of.
5. I hate crying. I let myself my eyes well up but I hate full-on crying. In public or even in private.