I'm not gonna lie.

There are certain actions and things in the world that make me feel low.

I'm an honest person, but I never want people to fell bad for me when I'm in a low place. So yes I rant. I get annoyed.
But I also undermine the situation. I say "I'm fine" a lot when I really am mad beyond the point of talking.
I worry that my depression might come back and that I can't fight it or make it go away quick enough and people will notice and suggest things like a counselor or medicine. It happened last time and I hated it.
But it took years for people to notice. But once you notice something the first time, you're always on the lookout for it to happen again.

But I'm not going to lie.
As low as I have felt, I am trying to be hopeful. To get over my lack of motivation and do things that I seriously need to do.
To get past people being mean and hurtful and forgetful. Past that things are very far and very different from the way I always imagine or really think how they'll turn out.

I have to say it though, what's making me feel low.
Friends. Close friends leaving me out, by chance or just due to not wanting to hear what I have to say. Who act one way somewhere and are different somewhere else. Some days I understand and accept that I'm certain people's lives to kick their butt's and tell 'em they need to stop or go or whatever, but other days, it just stresses me out to the max and makes me not want to talk ever again.
Myself. Me and my gross lack of motivation to do anything. I don't do much now and feel busy. Maybe because i always think. Always over-think and go past point of real reason and understanding and it just gets screwed up in my head. It becomes a spiritual battle of me screaming at the demons saying "I fully belong to God. Both heart and mind."
Other than that. Its not much. Just the things closest to my heart.

I'm out. I need to do things. I'm sick of the teenage mode and procrastinating.

"Well done is better than well said"-Benjamin Franklin