"Now I'm chained to my thoughts again. "

Currently: listening to Anberlin's New Surrender album. And half watching t.v. Moms flipping between this new lifetime that's four hours long and Medium.

I forgot about this. When I sleep on a regular scheadule and wake up at a normal-ish time, I get tired way more early.
Although I think I'll let myself blame the weird body feelings on the fact that I got used to the sea quickly and I spent a whole day being queasy once getting back on land.

I'm not so sure I can summarize the cruise. There were so many good times, so may memories to digest and remember for the rest of my life. So much to think about.

Well there was the main thing for me. We are a college group from a church so our leader invited a speaker. A professor from Vanguard University. He was really cool. He spoke four times to us, the main theme being Spiritual Leadership. and it was just..good. Filling.

Like sometimes I feel like I haven't had a huge connection with God for a while, and then remember that he maybe showed me something within the last week and then I fall into this weird mood, but I felt better after all these sessions. and it was different. adult-like. It wasn't anything similar to 17yr old me breaking down on a convention floor. It was being able to talk about wide and vast things and just really take it in as an adult.
Having think about it, I was more of an adult. i am more of an adult.
i'm growing up.
Man that concept scares me. I don't think I'll ever really grow up, just seem like it, you know?

Anyway, we ended up reading Genesis 1, 2, and 3. Like really reading it. And asking the questions Who are we and What are we here for?
Big huge questions. The kind people spend whole lifetimes trying to answer.
And the answers?
We are the image of God.
And we are here to rule the world.
In Jesus name.

And there's stuff to it. Like how us, humans, ruling over animlas meaning caring for them and giving out names means we have leadership over them. And how that image of God, how we, are distorted because what we do.
Im probably going to start not making sense so I'll stop but it was just big and moving and ,made you think.
Well it made me think.
Even our last session we started off with questions and segued onto this whole talking about dating and that kind of stuff and.. it surprised me because I needed it.
Its a big thing Ive dealt with. And I made the decision to not date, to call off romances until I'm ready, but I question things, and doubt things, and the past few months I've felt so weird about it all due to a lot of circumstances.
And I dont know, I just kind of had my faith in my decisions reaffirmed and made stronger. Kind of had God tell me "You're doing the right thing".
It was refreshing.

My life has been a mess and I haven't done the right thing for a number of months in my eyes and a few others and it just feels nice to know my life is somewhat back on the right track. I am more at peace.
(Though I'm still having the strangest dreams).
And then there was this small thing of thinking about how big God is.
All day Saturday we were just sailing, floating, whatever, in the water all day and some point a couple of us went out and you couldn't even see land. And someone said "this is just how big the Pacific Ocean is"
Like, forget about all the other oceans or countries or world or universe, I was just in awe being totally surrounded by water.

Wow. Long blog. There's so much more, and I have time to get to it.
But for now, my brain is doing that thing of shutting down in weird stages. Which some people have told me is funny to watch.